Think about it… If this is exactly how your life is going to be would you choose to be in, or would you choose to be out? Would you choose to continue to participate in this game called life or would you rather watch from the sidelines? Would you choose to live the highs and the lows or end it forever?
For far too long I have far too frequently thought ‘if this is life, I’m out’.
At 14 as I stood in front of the classroom door decorated with a special ‘no losers allowed’ sign made just for me, I thought, ‘I’m out‘.
As I watched my Mum and then Dad get so sick that even the doctors weren’t sure they were going to make it, I thought, ‘I’m out’.
As I watched my friends start to meet boys and establish relationships while I stayed at home, I thought, ‘I’m out’
But for some reason, something inside me kept me going, the hope that maybe next time would be different kept me fighting.
I discovered ‘coping’ mechanisms, I restricted my food intake until I was so unwell I was admitted to the eating disorder clinic. I would not eat until I was near starving and would then binge on anything and everything I could find. I would rid myself of every normal meal because I feared having food in my body. I would cut my skin until I bled so much it soaked my clothes and sheets.
But nothing ever seemed to work out. And I would ultimately find myself back wanting out.
But here, right now I can safely say that I’m in.
I know things won’t always work out right, there will be times when for whatever reason I find myself questioning whether I’m in or out. But I know that there is really only one option.
I’m in for the laughter.
I’m in for the uncontrollable giggles from stupid things said.
I’m in for the love that hurts.
I’m in for my family and friends.
I’m in for the times I miss mum so much that I feel like my heart will no longer beat.
I’m in for the loses.
I’m in for the chaos.
I’m in for the heartache.
I’m in for good times and I’m in for the not so good ones.
I’m in because life is too important to be out.
What will you choose?