Sometimes I still hear it… That voice that persists. “It is only once… you know how to get rid of it. Do you REALLY have to eat? You think you are hungry, but you CAN go without. That is all you are going to run? You use to be sweating from head to toe after a run. What you just did was nothing…” Yes, admittedly, sometimes I still hear my ED trying to sneak his commentary in from the corner I have exiled him to. Telling me to use an ED behavior.
What Could It Harm?
What could it harm giving into my eating disorder demands? Have you ever thought that to yourself? I have. Many times.
Although it is tempting to resort to an ED behavior that would be comforting for that moment, I have always come to these conclusions:
4 Reasons Why I Refuse To Use A Behavior:
1. It’s Not Worth It
I spent 16 years in disorder, hating myself for what I was doing but unable to stop because I did not have the tools or know-how. And although I have been tempted NUMEROUS times to self-sooth an anxious moment or an uncomfortable feeling with old methods of ED, ultimately, I determine- it’s NOT worth it.
2. It’s Hard To Stop At “Just This Once”
Let’s get real… once you allow ED to take control of your actions and your brain, any positive reinforcement given to your eating disorder is really hard to turn around. Not only will ED take over that moment, but then that one moment easily turns into a day, a week, a month…
Too easily can ED thoughts and behaviors become the norm.
Being aware of this helps me not fall prey to his “just this once” demands.
3. It’s A Temporary Fix
Listen… I know in my soul that every time that I try to control my food intake in ANY way, I am masking a deeper feeling that is uncomfortable that I am unwilling to face at that moment.
In all reality, an ED behavior is a numbing mechanism that will only amplify the problem deep within later.
I refuse to continue to put a band-aid over a gaping wound and declare it healed.
4. I Know Better, So I Must React Better
For so long, I didn’t let myself sit in my discomfort or actually feel anything that came across my radar of emotions that I thought behaviors = survival. Once I was able to be safely supported through episodes of anxiety and/or experience panic attacks without using a behavior, my world was rocked. It finally hit me… Those feelings are temporary and will go away if I allow myself to feel them and then let them go.
And once I knew better, I had to hold my self accountable to react better.
Simple, But Not Easy
I am 100% on board that recovery is possible. I am also living proof that it takes WORK and CHOICE.
Every day I choose not to use an ED behavior, and every day I work to be recovered.
Some days are easier than others. But ultimately, I don’t want to go back to the empty life that my eating disorder created. It turns out that the commentary with me, myself, and my ED can’t hold a candle to the world around me.
I have too much to offer to go back… and so do you. ❤