4 Reasons Your Relationship With Food Is Not Normal

food - close up picture of hand holding an ice cream cone with chocolate ice cream covered with nuts

As a food & body love coach, I talk to a lot of women who tell me that they feel panic around certain foods. (Or all foods in general). I totally understand that feeling. I used to feel completely crazy around food. Most of the time I ate “healthy” foods. But if you put down a plate of cookies in front of me – all hell broke loose.

I felt like I had to binge eat because I knew I’d have to go back to my clean eating the next day. Because the load of guilt and shame reminded me how crappy I was for having this ‘food issue’. For years, I was stuck in this restrict-binge cycle. I’d switch between willpower-ing my way through weeks of “clean eating” only to find myself diving head-first into a jar of almond butter plus half a box of Oreo’s.

It took me a long time to get out of this cycle of self-torture. Now that I’m on the other side, there are a few things I wish I’d known earlier.

4 Things That Make Your Relationship With Food Harmful

1. Seeing foods as ‘good’ or ‘bad’

This might be the single biggest mindset shift that will normalize your thoughts around food. Think of it this way: if you tell a little kid they can’t eat something, that’s exactly the first thing they’ll want to eat, right? Our brains are (and remain) very primal in this way. Anything off-limits becomes infinitely more intriguing. Therefore, we’re way more likely to eat it in huge quantities whenever we give ourselves permission to consume it.

What you can do about it: See all foods as neutral. This is harder than it sounds, I know. But whenever you get the urge to down an entire family-size bag of chips in one sitting, ask yourself, if this were as neutral as water, would I want to eat them all at once? Or would enjoying some now and then leaving the rest for later sound better? Usually just knowing that all foods are allowed takes off the pressure to binge eat.

2. Cutting out food for no reason other than weight loss

We often think that cutting out huge food groups (gluten, sugar, dairy) strictly for weight loss purposes gives us more control around food. But actually, food only ends up controlling us.

Similar to seeing foods as good and bad,  heavy restriction will backfire 100% of the time.

Eventually, we ‘give in’ and want to get our hands on all the carbs (or dairy, or meat, or whatever) because our body is deprived from what it’s asking for.

What you can do about it: Allow all foods in. Unless you have an allergy or sensitivity to a certain food, there’s no reason to be afraid of it. Sure, you may overeat on the foods that you had previously cut out before, but this will be temporary. This is a VERY important part of the process of creating a healthy relationship with food & body. If you’re overly concerned about weight loss (and I’d say all restrict-binge cyclers are), grab your journal and write out answers to these questions: What in my life will be different once I lose weight? How do I know? Where did I learn that thinner was better? Is this true? No right or wrong answers here. Just be curious about what comes up.

3. Compensating for eating with exercise

We’re being taught that we need to ‘earn’ food depending on how hard we’ve worked out that day. ‘Cheat meals’ make us feel like we’re morally obligated to uphold the perfect diet & exercise regimes.

If you feel like you’re not allowed to eat certain foods unless you’ve had a booty-kicking workout that day, you’re keeping yourself stuck in the restrict-binge-repeat cycle.

What you can do about it: Keep in mind that all of these self-imposed limitations around what is and isn’t allowed with food have been learned. Here is where journaling will also come in handy to discover where you decided that you don’t deserve to eat certain things. Challenge yourself to eat the foods you crave regardless of how physical you were that day. You deserve to eat no matter what!

4. Living in a shame spiral

Binges induce a ton of guilt, and I so get that. Most of us think that the guilt and negative self-talk will motivate us to change our ways. But ask yourself: Has it ever worked for you in the past? Shame is what brought you to the binge in the first place, so why would it help get you out of it?

My guess is, if you’re reading this article, speaking negatively to yourself and pinching at your tummy in the mirror after a binge hasn’t kept you from binge eating again later.

What you can do about it: Don’t hate yourself. If you didn’t drink water all day and then downed a whole water bottle, would you be mad? Of course not! You were dehydrated and your body needed water. Same goes for food. When we deprive ourselves, our cravings grow, and that’s a major first step to understanding when you want to create a compassionate relationship to your eating habits. Journal after every binge and ask yourself what you really needed in that moment, if not food. Make a commitment not to willpower-ing your way out of your next binge but to have compassionate thoughts that will help you cultivate a loving relationship with yourself…and stop the binges along the way.

Making major changes to how we relate to food and body takes time. The most important thing during this healing period is to be patient with yourself and trust the process. There are women everywhere who are struggling with this exact same thing! Reach out to family, friends, and coaches for support.

And know that on the other side of this is the life of freedom that we all inherently deserve.

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