In the past, when therapists brought up the idea of re-framing my thoughts and loving my body I always had to fight the urge to say something incredibly sarcastic like, “and did you know that I walked on water too this morning?”
So I generally settled for conveying my feelings on the subject with a well practiced raising of my right eyebrow. And because that road had been a dead end several times over, the subject got dropped pretty quickly.
And yet…a year and a half into recovery I thought I might be ready to consider the idea of accepting my body.
When I thought about the stages I had been through in relation to my body, I had hurt it with an eating disorder, hated it in treatment and tolerated it in the name of recovery. In rare moments of peace I felt neutral about my body, and with time I had accepted that this was my set point.
Acceptance is a buzz word. Don’t get me wrong – it is a better buzz to be on than hate. But to me it feels passive and I’m definitely a fiery kind of chick.
To first get out of the eating disorder cage I had to get a little wild. So I went for something a little different to acceptance.
I went for embracing.
Embracing has passion, it has power, and it has sass. I like that combination of adjectives to describe me. It makes my spirt go, “yeah!”.
Four years into recovery I don’t look in the mirror and say, “I look great”, because a mirror will never tell me how smart or funny I am or how many people love me. To quote a therapist I once had,
The only thing a mirror is good for is to tell you if your fly is unzipped or if you have food on your face.
A friend can tell me all of those things. They are the best kind of mirrors and much more fun to hang out with.
Embracing my body isn’t about how I look
It is about how I feel. When I close my eyes and think of those words: “Power. Passion. Sass.” I begin to feel it. It is about something much more than my body. It is something about my soul and something about my spirit.
And my soul wants to say “yes.“ It wants to say “yes” to life, to waking up in the morning and feeling inspired.
My spirit wants to say “yes” to living with purpose. It wants to scream so loud with pure pleasure it deafens any voice that dares tarnish the idea I am anything less than awesome.
So, I’m embracing. Not for how much I weigh or how I look, but for the feeling inside that speaks of gentle truth and fiery passion. I’m rocking the world. Mine and others.
See you out there!