My Journey to Recovery
I can’t pinpoint when it took me. At first, it was my protector. My insulator. My shield. It allowed me to focus on nothing more, nothing less than food, movement and the gym. It gave me structure. It gave me purpose. It gave me admiration.
And then it took me. It took all of me and swallowed me whole.
I cannot pinpoint when I became all consumed but at my worst, I isolated from everybody. It was me and the ED. Nobody else. Nothing else.
Speaking with my therapist, I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or why I chose to add the additional protein bar that one morning or why I decided to have breakfast. I remember my thought process being so black and white. And then three days into a little more nutrition, I stepped out of work…but wait… I did not want to power walk to the closest coffee shop which was 40 minutes away. All at once, I just wanted to sit. I could hear a car, I could see color, I could hear the birds. My phone rang. It was my friend calling to ask whether I wanted to catch up. I actually wanted to answer the phone. I heard his words. It is like all of my sense revitalized at once. I felt more and more energized as the weeks wore on.
And then the extreme hunger hit.
It was the scariest moment of my recovery. I hated it. I was disgusted. With every bite of life sustaining nutrition, I was both exhilarated and repelled. My stomach bloated to the point of bursting. I could not go to my beloved gym. All I wanted to do was eat and rest, all at once. I had no desire anymore to push my body to exercise four hours per day.
Who was I?
All of these questions al at once. I had a renewed focus and my senses had sharpened to life. To the outside world. There was no going back. This was my silent promise.
The new me in recovery
Five months into recovery, my periods have returned. I’ve begun dating. I commit to my three meals per day. I no longer require upward of 11 000 calories per day. My body has begun to trust. I have began to trust. Looking back, I did not believe recovery was worth it but I chose to have faith.
I have the flower on my desk (attached) so as to remind me of all of the worlds beauty. When the world returned.