My eating disorder controlled my life for what seemed like forever. I could not recall the last time I felt free from the traps of Ed. It was the first thing that popped in my mind when I rolled out of bed in the morning. And the last thing I thought of as I drifted off to sleep. Curiosity had no place in my daily routine.
Being led through life this way was all I knew. It was predictable. I had no idea what life was without my eating disorder. Really, I did not even know who I myself was without it.
As I thought about it, I realized that there had to be something more.
I knew my life’s purpose couldn’t be living in the traps of my eating disorder. There had to be more.
But what? What more was there? And more importantly, who was I without it?
The thought of giving up all I knew was not just scary. It was outright terrifying. It was the scariest and hardest thing I could have ever done.
I did not believe I was ready, I didn’t know if I ever could be.
And I wanted my eating disorder, I thought I needed it. It offered me comfort, control, prediction, and coping.
But it also offered me a life of isolation, sadness, lying, stealing, pain, secrecy, loathing, self hatred, and treatment cycles.
Curiosity about the Unknown
In contrast, I did not know what a life of recovery had in store for me. I couldn’t imagine who I was without it. So despite not being sure I was ready or capable, I allowed myself to follow my curiosity, and checked it out.
As I gave myself permission to be curious with what recovery had to offer, I came across a lot of challenges on the road.
There were moments as it got rough, that I could not do it alone. It was at those times that I fully allowed myself to lean on others. I knew I needed the support. I allowed my treatment team to hold the hope for me when I could not hold onto it for myself.
Asking Questions with Curiosity
As each hurdle arouse, I approached it with an intrigued mind. Asking myself:
What will life be like once I let this go? How will this change what I already know? What will I find out about myself?
As an adventurous and curious person by nature, I allowed that to help me slowly step out of life with an eating disorder. And experience my revived life of recovery and freedom.
It was not an easy path as I discovered the unknown, but once the new became familiar, it was so much sweeter.
I now know that recovery offers me a life of happiness, freedom, relationships and so much more.