Are You Allowing Curiosity to Lead the Way to Freedom?

curiosity - image of a woman from shoulders up, starting forward with eyes opened

My eating disorder controlled my life for what seemed like forever. I could not recall the last time I felt free from the traps of Ed. It was the first thing that popped in my mind when I rolled out of bed in the morning. And the last thing I thought of as I drifted off to sleep. Curiosity had no place in my daily routine.

Being led through life this way was all I knew. It was predictable. I had no idea what life was without my eating disorder. Really, I did not even know who I myself was without it.

Something more

As I thought about it, I realized that there had to be something more.

I knew my life’s purpose couldn’t be living in the traps of my eating disorder. There had to be more.

But what? What more was there? And more importantly, who was I without it?

The Terror

The thought of giving up all I knew was not just scary. It was outright terrifying. It was the scariest and hardest thing I could have ever done.

I did not believe I was ready, I didn’t know if I ever could be.

And I wanted my eating disorder, I thought I needed it. It offered me comfort, control, prediction, and coping.

But it also offered me a life of isolation, sadness, lying, stealing, pain, secrecy, loathing, self hatred, and treatment cycles.

Curiosity about the Unknown

In contrast, I did not know what a life of recovery had in store for me. I couldn’t imagine who I was without it. So despite not being sure I was ready or capable, I allowed myself to follow my curiosity, and checked it out.

As I gave myself permission to be curious with what recovery had to offer, I came across a lot of challenges on the road.

Getting rid of my scale, removing diet rules, stopping restriction, purging, exercise, laxatives and diet pills… All which came along with pain and tears, time and perseverance.

There were moments as it got rough, that I could not do it alone. It was at those times that I fully allowed myself to lean on others. I knew I needed the support. I allowed my treatment team to hold the hope for me when I could not hold onto it for myself.

Asking Questions with Curiosity

As each hurdle arouse, I approached it with an intrigued mind. Asking myself:

What will life be like once I let this go? How will this change what I already know? What will I find out about myself?

As an adventurous and curious person by nature, I allowed that to help me slowly step out of life with an eating disorder. And experience my revived life of recovery and freedom.

It was not an easy path as I discovered the unknown, but once the new became familiar, it was so much sweeter.