Have you heard of a Yay team? “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Hannah, happy birthday to you…” The singing spun into laughter as the birthday party’s VIP, me, responded with a meltdown of tears. Two-year-old me didn’t like the attention of this group of adults turned my way, so I responded like a busted faucet until the singing halted and I was no longer the focal point. Comically, this has been a thread of familiarity growing up, from angst over performing a recorder solo in elementary to asking my mom to not cheer so loud for me in middle school soccer. Admittedly, despite maturing from meltdowns, I continue to subtly despise Happy Birthday singing every January 4th. People celebrating my existence? No thank you – way too awkward. Choosing a Yay Team But as I progressed in my eating disorder journey I realized I have to make proactive decisions toward recovery. Cue my “yay” team, a group of people I text throughout the month with eating disorder victories who respond with encouragement. Sounds almost cheesy, right? Who hires cheerleaders for eating food? My eating disorder brain said it was inane, and perhaps you hold similar disdain upon hearing it. However, let’s clarify what this is not: Cry for attention Codependency Selfishness Acting stuck-up Rather, the creation of a yay team may reveal the following: Humility in recognizing your limits Self-care Giving loved ones an opportunity to support you If you’ve jumped onto this idea yet (or find yourself less apprehensive), what are the practical steps to consider next? How does it work, just go up to your Aunt Jo and tell her to throw a zoom party every time you eat ice cream? Hmmm, maybe not. (Though if you have an Aunt Jo who throws a party next time you have ice cream, 1000% go for it!) Choose wisely Consider people you’ve shared your eating disorder with or other safe friends who are available. Have they asked how they can help, but you’re not sure? Maybe you have some friends for meal support, but you’re unsure how to include long-distance relationships in your recovery journey. After finding your team (1, 5, or 20, whichever will best communicate support) how will you ask? Personally, I wrote a letter to two friends, explaining that I recognize this might sound different, but that I needed encouragement with food challenges. And they were thrilled! Consequently, I texted them every several weeks with progress steps and they respond with exhilarated emojis and pride. As minuscule as this may appear, it’s positive reinforcement, right? I now have an extra weapon to combat eating disorder thoughts. If I eat this, I can write it out as one of my victories. In no way is this a foolproof recovery plan on its own, but paired with other support, I’m finding the recovery journey less lonely. Who can you ask to be on your yay team? Or what other suggestions do you have to invite friends onto your recovery journey? I’d love to read your thoughts below!
What If Exercise Was Unhealthy?
Disclaimer: This post about exercise is not relevant for everyone in the eating disorder recovery process. I also recognize the myriad of benefits accompanying exercise. There are a lot of benefits in discovering joyful movement of the body. This post specifically addresses those struggling with self-required exercise. Can exercise be unhealthy? “Hannah,” I asked myself one morning, “what if exercise was unhealthy?” Ugh, I wanted to hush myself and avoid the question. Yet as I sat on a gym machine one Thursday morning preparing to continue my arm workout, I was hit with the alternative. What if everything else I enjoyed could hold the same label as “healthy”? I talked to a marathon runner the night before. He shared his love for running was paired with the stress relief the endorphins brought. Similarly, this is the same answer I give myself when I ask myself if I’m running for the eating disorder or true self-care for endorphins. And as much as I do (sometimes) relish a good run, would I continue if suddenly running was unhealthy? If, for example, walking my dog, beating my sister in Mario Kart (perhaps a fanciful notion, considering my affinity for last place), doodling quotes, exploring bookstores, writing notes to friends, creating new recipes, and sitting under a canopy of trees in the woods burned more calories than running? If new research suddenly revealed running to have unhealthy side effects. What if hobbies like mine or yours, are encouraged by health experts as the greatest weight loss program? Would my priorities shift? Abruptly, a realization washed over me. For someone with an eating disorder – me, you, your client, or a loved one – exercise may indeed not be healthy. What to do instead? Instead, engagement in moments that catalyze true joy could hold greater health benefits. But why? How does this work? My brain, a lover of the black and white answers, that all is either 100% right or utterly immoral, struggles to understand. In my opinion, the answer lies in the concept of holistic health. Rather than the goal is to fit your physical body into society’s standards, holistic health aims to improve your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual facets cohesively. Right now, that means re-reading one of my favorite books may be healthier than performing more crunches. At other points, I may find a run to be a healthy coping mechanism after a rough day. How do I – we – find that balance, though? Cue the body’s intuition. The signals may be mixed, or even nonexistent at present, but, friends, fight for recovery. Step into the spaces with your support team with a mindset fighting for change. Is this easy? Ha, never. But freedom from anything is a journey. As you take the next step ask yourself, “What if exercise was unhealthy?”
3 Surprising Lessons I Learned from a Photo Shoot
Mulling over my friend’s story of overcoming her ED, a dream was catalyzed: I would do a photo shoot that conveyed the struggle and lies. I began to mentally create images that would best share this story. My creative edge grew with passion. That was several years ago. Since then my own ED developed, leading me to question this dream. Would this photo shoot bring help or harm? Tentatively, I gathered my props, photographer, and subjects. And one Friday afternoon we spent four hours in a freezing studio. The result? 100% worth it. I had a voice I didn’t know existed screaming out of this project. The following encapsulates several learning snippets. First Lesson from the Photo Shoot I came against the cold reality of this ED. I’ve often denied the problem. Do I actually have an ED? I’m just imagining this, right? Suddenly, the doubts quieted when I edited the pictures and saw myself in them. Both physically and emotionally. Second Lesson from the Photo Shoot The visceral ferociousness of the lies became apparent. When I’m merely listening to the voices in my head, instinct says to obey. Don’t eat the whole packet. Do more crunches. Only eat half the bar. Chew gum and forget the hunger. Fat. Stupid. Loser…. Until, that is, I see these pictures. Those lies are devastating. The lies of an eating disorder are devastating. Third Lesson from the Photo Shoot Freedom exists. In designing, shooting, and editing the harsh slavery of EDs, the light became increasingly obvious. If the dark is this intense, then a brightness must be available to counteract. And… I want that freedom. I’m increasingly loathing this place of stuckness. When the healthy voice speaks out This photoshoot, I’ve come to realize, was my necessary way to engage recovery, to be a voice that speaks over the ED. What about you? What are some nontraditional ways you can engage recovery? Everyone has a different process, and I want to honor that. However, maybe recovery needs a new edge, something different you can throw into it. Here’s a couple ideas…. Do a photoshoot! You don’t need professionals – just a workable phone camera, a willing subject, and some ideas. This could be for your eyes only, so don’t let the pesky perfectionist have too much say. Create some abstract art. Anything goes here! Pull out the cereal box cardboard, crayola paint, string, hot glue, spray paint, etc. What colors represent the ED voice versus recovery? What texture communicates the lies you hear? Throw together a word collage. Collect old magazines or books and pull out some scissors (or just go with ole’ fashioned ripping) and find words the ED calls you, then cover up the words with truth. Or, contrast these words side-by-side. Glue it on your choice of background – leftover tile, aged canvases, garage sale photo frames, etc. Write a blog post for an ED blog. No one’s asking you to author the next New York Times bestseller, but the benefit waiting to be reaped from your story becoming known is astronomical. Be brave. Share your story. This isn’t a confined list though. Other suggestions? What have you done to engage recovery in a unique manner?
What New Snapshots Do You Want to Shoot to Fight Your ED?
A snapshot of ED Half-eaten granola bars. An iota of peanut butter on each banana bite. Sugar-free, low-calorie ice cream. Bones protrude more and more as I see my reflection in the dorm bathroom mirror. A certain number flashes back at me when I step onto a scale. Measuring cups are utilized for chips and cereals. The red glare of numbers from the elliptical announced calories burned. Each of these snapshots has been collected during my eating disorder. And some days they’re the only pictures I know. Rather than feeling trapped by their power, however, I’m disgusted by my reaction to pride. Let me show you how little I can eat. Prove how much I can push tired muscles. Let me grow in supposed self-discipline as I say no to dessert again. Look at what I’ve accomplished. See how capable I am of achieving my fabricated idea of healthiness. Scrapbook memories Without realizing it, I’ve scrapbooked these photos with colored washi tape, attractive patterned paper, and sequins galore to give the pictures extra allure. I love them. Yet in spending such copious amounts of time displaying them, I forgot their danger. They spin a story that I’m in control and can have it all: worth and healthiness. These photos mask the truth: I do not control the food; rather, the food controls me. Demanding restriction. Bellowing for more exercise. Whispering degrading names when I fail to obey. This doesn’t deserve to be scrapbooked. No, these pictures need to be burned, lest I never escape the voice of the ED. The good news is that I still have a camera for new pictures. More scrapbooks are waiting to be filled with new pictures. Ones that point to truth. New Snapshots to Fight Your Ed Having a donut at Sunday morning church. Going on an impromptu ice cream run late at night. Skipping workouts to sit and talk with new friends. Accepting a car ride from my roommate instead of biking to the store. Buying a box of cold cereal without looking at the nutrition label. Relaxing at a park with my sketchbook instead of dragging my body on a run. My camera is merely waiting. Begging for new snapshots. The question, however, remains: Do I want these new snapshots – opportunities for freedom – more than the photos I’ve prided myself in? Friends, let’s grab our cameras. What new snapshots do you want to shoot to fight your ED? (Last Updated: August 15, 2022)
What if? The Defeat of the Rising Dread
What if eight-years-old againplaying soccer.Sweaty and red-faced.Eating orange crackers with cheese. Can I eat orange crackerswith cheesetoday? The rising dread says NOnot healthy. What if nine-years-old againrunning outside to Nawney’sprehistoric freezer after dinner. Selecting a Blue Bell ice cream pint and running back into her house, digging in with a spoon enjoying every morsel.And today? The rising dread says NOeat out of the pint and lose control. What if ten-years-old againfeeling excited for poptarts.The crinkly noise as I peel packaging off,place the treats in the toaster, bite into their crunchy crust, burning my tongue on the jam.Will I bite intopoptarts today? The rising dread saysNOstay clear. What ifchocolate milk cartonsfried popcorn shrimpblueberry cheesecake muffinsChicago-style stuffed crust pizzawere no longerThreatening. What if twenty-one-years-old nowfood had no morals? What ifI instead listento truthand defeatthe rising dread?
What If That Was My Daughter? A Useful Self-Talk Reframe
“Would you want to see your daughter cutting?” I froze. While I was currently a childless high schooler, I had dreamt of adopting a daughter for years. With each young girl I mentored, I found a greater desire to pour myself into these blossoming hearts. Yet as I sat in the living room with my mentor after another self-harm incident, she challenged me to grapple with this through a different view. I could damage my own body without qualms, but my future daughter’s? She deserved more than that. Years later I force myself to sit with that conversation. Instead of cutting, though, I now see this question through the lens of my eating disorder. What if it was my daughter? What if that was my daughter screaming at her stomach to stop being hungry? Punching walls after eating one bite “too many”? Demanding that extra exercise from her body at 6 am? Obsessing in the middle of the night how to restrict lunch the following day? Calling herself fat and stupid when she has an unplanned snack with friends? The very idea causes my soul to cringe and cry. Oh, the empathy streaming as I consider her hurting heart! I love you, I want to whisper into her ear. Your body deserves food. Rest is healthy. Your identity is not founded in what you do. I would also tell her: Food is a wonderful way to connect with friends. Cherish those moments! You are more than a body. You are not the lies your brain tries to sell you. As I sit with this recognition today, I challenge you to wrestle with that question: What if that was your daughter? Niece? Sister? Best friend? What if they were the ones restricting? Purging? Binging? Overexercising? What would you say to them? Now, can you – can I – say this to ourselves? We deserve more than the lies that have infested our minds.