I’ve recently found myself in a world of recovery. Recovery from surgery to fix a stress fracture in my femur. Plus recovery from anorexia and over exercising. I didn’t realize my brain had been held captive by an ED.
This also comes at a time of no employment, school or real sense of purpose. My master’s degree is long done. I left my café job that wasn’t healthy for me or really possible at this point physically. I also lost a teaching job and wedding planning has come and gone.
For some people this may be a welcome rest period. Yet for me, (and I imagine many others who suffer with an ED) this amount of unoccupied time is a version of my personal hell.
Your brain – held captive by an ED
It is amazing when you stop to think about it (or actually physically make note of it like I did) how many times a day the eating disordered brain thinks about food and exercise. It is astonishing and pretty scary.
The sheer amount of time and energy spent thinking about foods, calories, weight and exercise would exhaust anyone.
So what happens when your exhausted and worn down brain gets an influx of free time? Well, it can’t fight off the temptation of the disease. More and more brain space gets taken by disordered thoughts.
It’s a really horrible cycle. You initially have more free time but paradoxically, you actually end up with less free time. This “free time” that your eating disorder takes hold of ends up making you feel more exhausted and worn down.
I’ve found myself with so much free time on my hands but no “free time” in my brain.
Why you need to take back the power
This leaves me with not only a desire, but a need to take back all that brain space from my disorder. I need this time to recover mentally and physically. Allowing my eating disorder take up so much of my mind is not productive. Not only is it not productive, but it could begin the spiral into a relapse.
Recovery to me means taking back brain space from the eating disorder and using it to heal our minds and bodies.
Taking back brain space allows for rest and enjoyment. It means fulfillment from things that won’t only wear us down more. Space can be reclaimed for school or careers, but these aren’t always manageable options.
And besides, you can’t spend all of your brain space you take back from the disorder here. I am finding that taking back brain space happens in pieces and that it needs to be chiseled out and safeguarded.
Brain space is freed with the intention of bringing more joy and fulfillment into the everyday. This break from the anxiety and stress allows healing and progress.
How I’m using my newfound brain space
I’m am trying out a lot of new things with my newfound brain power. I’ve noticed that when I start to chisel out new space, the activities I turn to in order to free it are often good distractions.
Things my reclaimed brain space has been used on (instead of ED) include:
- Reading a variety of novels
- Connecting with nature through walks and picnics
- Decluttering and organizing my apartment (clutter wreaks havoc on anxious brains)
- Browsing Pinterest for holiday decorating ideas
- Creating a vision board of decorating ideas for a future house
- Taking free online courses
- Networking with individuals in the industry I aspire to join
- Writing as a creative outlet
- Refreshing my French language skills
All of these things are so much more fun and productive than obsessing over food and calories. Maybe some of these ideas will inspire you to make a list of things you want to do to reclaim the space in your brain.
The possibilities are endless, Warrior. What will you choose?