Bully In My Brain: a Recovery Poem

There’s a bully in my brain
That keeps pushing me around
From the ground, I try to rise
But she grips me so tightly
She stifles my cries.

She tells me I’m just fine
To keep it up and then do more
It’s like a chore that never ends
An eternal loop of despair
With a rose-colored lens.

I muster up the courage
And try to leave her far behind
But in my mind, she grows
Convinces me from deep within
That this is the life I chose.

I carry on each day
With this bully in my brain
She never lets me have my peace
Her lease has long expired
But I can’t get rid of her now
I’m too tired.

Eviction or extinction
That’s what I want to see
But this bully in my brain
The pain she brings to me
Comes along with the satisfaction
And without her, I can’t see.

We try to grow together
But the bully just gets louder
She wants me to do more and more
And in my core I know it’s over
I’ve lost this battle with my brain
I cannot slow her.

When the bully’s happy I am not
It seems we cannot coexist
So I shrink down and she expands
And in her hands, I am confined
I feel fulfilled but numb inside
Would things would be easier
If I just died?

Voices from outside call to me
But I can’t hear them now
The bully is too loud
Too proud to say that I need support
This bully’s got me figured out
She plays me like a sport.

The darkness surrounds me
I can’t find my way out
I’m trapped inside the bully now
I can’t see how it has come to this
How is it that this Hell
Once started out as bliss?

Then comes a bang and I lookup
The faintest light comes streaming in
From the bully’s hands, I can see out
The doubt about escaping intensifies
So I stay seated and think
But then I slowly rise.

Cautiously I move toward the light
Gentle movements in the dark of night
The bully’s sleeping as I move
I prove that she hasn’t killed me
But I need to stay quiet, for if she sees me
She will riot.

The closer I move toward the light
The brighter it seems to shine
So while the bully stays at rest
I test my strength and grit
I find the crack that leads to light
And I squeeze through it.

The crack is tight but I am determined
The bully is seeming restless now
I know my time is short
She thwarts my movements with her grip
But his is my chance to escape her
I can’t slip.

I make it through that little crack
But I don’t know what to do out here
The light is blinding and I’m so unsure
Pure relief washes over me
I’ve escaped the bully in my brain
Finally I begin to see.

Slowly I get the hang of life
And though the bully calls to me
I ignore her pleas and carry on
No longer a pawn of her awful game
I can live my life forever freely
But I still feel ashamed.

As the years go by I see her rarely
It seems like I’ve escaped her wrath
With each day I can grow stronger
And like a pearl inside a clam
I slowly open to the world
It takes me as I am.

Memories of the bully stay with me
But the grip she once held on me is gone
The curtain was drawn so I keep her out
Sometimes I worry that she’ll return
But this freedom I have
I’ve worked so hard to earn.

The bully’s impact will never be erased
I know she’s out there still
I see her in my family and friends
And through my lens, I feel their pain
They may not know it yet
But there’s a bully in their brain.

I try to help but get pushed away
I suffer as I watch them struggle
For the bully beleaguers and break them down
I frown and carry on my way
I cannot fight their bully too
They slowly wither away.

So beware the bully that lives to kill
The one that seems innocent until she’s not
Her comfort is cold and careless too
She’ll keep you tied with a ball and chain
So please beware of the bully
The bully in your brain.