I lived in a consuming calorie counting head space for several years. My obsessive thoughts and behaviors around food and body kept me isolated from connection.
Even though I put on a happy face, deep down I felt unloveable and not good enough as I was – ripe conditions for codependency.
The eating disorder became my way to cope with this pain and allowed me to perpetuate a false fantasy of happiness fueled by thoughts like…
If I just get down to this weight and had this body type, then I will be loved.
No one chooses me because of my body. This what’s wrong with me.
All I need to do is lose weight and have a good body and then I’ll be wanted.
Now well over a decade free of my eating disorder, I have a much better perspective on what was really going on.
These were all defensive thoughts to help keep me out of a relationship.
You see, if I don’t get into a relationship or even make an attempt to get into one, then I don’t have to suffer the possible pain of rejection, loss, and abandonment.
I don’t have to be vulnerable. The word vulnerable is derived from the Latin word vulnerā(re) meaning to wound and by definition vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty means the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
One of the biggest gifts I’ve received from my recovery is the willingness to open myself to love in all forms: romantic, familial, spiritual, and personal. Love and all the wonderful things it embodies like acceptance, trust, authenticity, and forgiveness have ultimately been the cure to my eating disorder.
Of all the forms of love, romantic love has personally proven to be the most intense to work with because it holds the power to reopen my most painful childhood wounds of not being chosen, cared for, protected, and treated as important and special.
These wounds lay latent like a sleeping dragon until they get awakened by another, most poignantly speaking, a man I have a romantic interest in.
In many ways, dating has become an intricate and intimate dance with this dragon, bringing me face to face with codependent patterns that do not serve me.
The healing balm I’ve found most effective in reducing the emotional pain and inflammation is self-compassion, faith in a Divine Love, and journaling.
In this rare and exclusive episode of The Recovery Warrior Show, I let you deep into my alchemical process of opening my heart in all it’s wounded glory.
I get rejected. I get back up. I get hurt. I feel pain,. BUT I rise. Each time I get stronger.
Through all the ups and downs, I connect to a more confident version of myself as I witness her courage and determination through my own loving eyes and heart.
Regardless of your relationship status, this show has something for you and your recovery as it dives into the themes of vulnerability, resilience, and personal power.
Listen and Subscribe to The Recovery Warrior Show on iTunes or Stitcher
Combining journal excerpts with the teachings of my most influential mentor Caroline Myss, tune into this unique format and see why it’s been receiving raving reviews like the following:
AMAZING-GIVE ME MORE!
★★★★★ in Apple Podcasts by Paulinnnka from Canada on May 20, 2018
Hi! I recently discovered your podcast and I am eagerly catching up on all your episodes 🙂 HOWEVER, I have to say that the one you put out this week with embedded journal entries and speeches was one of the best podcasts I ever listed to! So raw, authentic, informative, and engaing. Would love to see more of that format 🙂 All the best to you and thank you for what you do! xoxo, Paulina
Vulnerability on another level
★★★★★ in Apple Podcasts by rhimarq from Canada on May 19, 2018
As someone on my own recovery journey I find all the stories so relatable. Particularly the recent dating one where you read from your journal. Dating has always been a tricky area for me and wow ‘boy brain’ is a thing! However these are experiences we all go through and how you show the ability to learn from each connection is inspiring.
Narrative show 5.18
★★★★★ in Apple Podcasts by graziella33 from USA on May 21, 2018
Hello Jessica, so great to hear u again!! I really liked this new show, I love how you are following your creativity/ intuition, and using this new format. So interesting , informative, deep. You really reveal what is hard for me to connect with. You use words to label you experiences that I now can use too. This life based on self worth is so new to me as well- such wisdom and trials in the way… better than the past and the unknowing though true? Blessings to you, Lynn
This show is a crucial resource!
★★★★★ in Apple Podcasts by mariahmicheeeelllllle from USA on May 21, 2018
I cannot emphasize enough how groundbreaking this podcast has been, not just for my personal journey in recovery but also for how much I have learned, eating disorder-related and beyond, about all spheres of healing. Jessica is an incredible host and a thoughtful, intelligent, driven, compassionate, and encouraging guide through topics that are difficult to grapple with, and her choice of guests and experts who appear on the show is equally as impressive.
Listen and Subscribe to The Recovery Warrior Show on iTunes or Stitcher
I listened to your pod-cast, and it was fantastic. As is all the rest that I have listened to. I wish you knew how much you have and are helping with my own recovery. I am 53, with an ED since grade school age. Never knew about eating disorders until I was out of college( I am a RN ) . I knew I had disordered eating, but never knew about eating disorders. Itwasn’t until my high school daughter developed an ED, I took her to treatment, a therapist and dietician. She told her therapist that I too had an ED. This is when I started receiving treatment. Having had this most of my life, I have been having a hard time with my working on recovery. It has been 7 years of HARD work