Enough? No. He Requires Better – a poem

enough - image of female wearing a hat that has orange and white flowers all over it; her eyes are opened wide and looking directly at camera, serious expression on her faceEnough

Enough is defined as “as much as required”
Of which – according to my eating disorder

I am not

He requires that I am better
A better teacher
Better daughter
A better sister
Better friend
A better partner
In better shape
Better at anorexia
And, plot twist

Better at recovery

You didn’t reach anyone today
You’re disappointing your parents
You’re the lone, rejected wolf of five
The lone, tolerated friend
You’re a burden to him, you know
Shame, that body

He shudders

How dare you try to lose me
He exclaims
Based on the evidence I’ve provided,
that’s a risk
Uncalculated, unnecessary
Unsafe
You’ve tried for over a year, and still
You’re preaching my scripture
Why bother?

April 2017 #5 on Reasons for Recovery

“I am exhausted”
My exhaustion is (admittedly) less austere
But you’re right, ED
It’s been a year, and I’m tired

Testing the rooted, inveterate “I’m overdramatic”
I’ll say this:
I fought for my life this year
Of course I am tired

  1. I want to reconnect
    I’m doing it
  2. I want to find love
    I found it
  3. I want a family
    It’s tangible now
  4. No more secrets
    I‘ve been exposing you, ED
    Can you feel it?

I think you can
I think you’re scared
I think you’re weak
I think you’re threatened
How does it feel?

Maybe a bit like karma.

I am not recovered
I am in recovery
I am learning to become the best version of myself
Big girls can cry, and I will
Because things hurt, and that’s okay
“Recovery isn’t linear”

Understatement

And here I am, despite it all

Enough

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