So…the dreaded happened. That thing I feared for so long. What I worried about, lost sleep over, obsessed over round and round in my head, and literally spent DECADES of my life fighting against. It happened. I gained weight. I was in a size bigger than ever before.
It happened for lots of reasons. Partially because I couldn’t maintain the type of lifestyle I was living any longer. It happened because I hit my rock bottom and chose to climb out. And happened because I heard that wise voice inside of me and actually listened to it.
It happened because I finally woke up and asked for more. I asked for and accepted help. It happened because I challenged my fears, trusted in my treatment team, went out of my comfort zone, and chose a different path.
And it happened mostly because I let go and trusted in the process and trusted in the universe. I let go of past hurts, past patterns, unhealthy coping skills, and unhealthy thoughts. It happened because I decided I am worth more and I chose health.
Choosing love, connection and myself over an unrealistic ideal I had in my head made it happen.
And so it happened. I gained weight. And reached a size I had never been before.
And then after I reached that weight, I gained more. My worst fear and worst nightmare came true. And after an entire season of wearing clothing that was uncomfortably too tight, I spent the next season wearing leggings. Because I just couldn’t face buying jeans and pants in an even larger size yet.
But finally, I faced my fears.
I challenged my inner critic and chose to make peace with my body. So, I went shopping for jeans. Jeans that would fit me and feel comfortable.
And so, against the screaming voices in my head, I purchased some jeans in a size more than double what used to be my size. It was a size I never imaged I would purchase.
What happened next
And when I got home, instead of drowning in my anxiety and unhealthy thoughts, I chose to put on my shoes, go for a walk, and listen to one of my favorite podcasts. So I could literally surround my brain with body positive and health at every size thoughts.
After that, despite all of the negative voices that screamed inside of me, telling me I was too large or too gross to even go out in public, I met a friend for dinner. And I put on my new jeans.
You know, the ones I cut the size out of the minute I got home. Hoping I would have amnesia and instantly forget that I actually DO wear that size now.
And as I carefully studied myself in the mirror, I tried to image how I look to someone else. Someone who knows me and loves me. I tried to image what thoughts they might have when they look at this new, larger sized me.
I even had a glimpse of wonder that perhaps putting these much-larger-than-I-was-ok-with sized jeans on maybe just maybe didn’t really make me look that much different…
And then I met my friend. We ate some chips and I had a drink as we ate dinner. Then another friend of ours who we hadn’t seen in awhile joined us.
We are the kinds of friends who carry a special connection. We all have children the same ages and we bonded when we went through those scary, emotional, and life changing first years of motherhood together. I love these women as family and I am connected to them in a very unique way.
We sat for hours catching up, sharing stories, enjoying a few drinks, laughing, listening to, and supporting each other.
And when I returned home with a feeling of joy and gratitude I realized something amazing.
A blessing in disguise
It happened- the thing that I feared for so long.
I gained the weight, my body changed, and I wore the jeans in the size I could not have imagined wearing a year ago.
And despite those jeans in that size…. I had a fun evening connecting with my friends. Nobody cared what size I wore.
My size had zero impact on our evening. Just as my jeans size should have zero impact on my life, on my happiness, on my worth as a person, and on my emotions.
They are just jeans.
And life is SO MUCH better when I am connecting with people I love rather than trying my hardest to avoid a fear I have built up in my head to be a monster. When in reality it really does not matter.
Had I never chosen recovery and never decided to trust in the process, listened to my wise self, or even hit rock bottom – then this fear of mine would never have happened.
But if it never happened, then I would still be fearing it.
Because only when I actually reached the fear, did it lose its power over me.
And so I dare say that perhaps I am glad that this fear of mine happened.
Perhaps my worst fear coming true is the biggest blessing of all.