The “Last Time!”: Believing There’s Light at the End of the Tunnel

I Wake Up

I look into my red, tear-filled eyes and I cry out “last time!”

I pull at my humanly flabby stomach and pinch my seemingly oversized thighs and cry out “last time!” 

I clean up the mess, the wrappers, the pain and cry out “last time!” 

I breath. Half of me hoping it will be the last time.

I go to sleep. Half praying it will be the last time. 

I say goodnight and goodbye just in case it is the last time.

I remember when every moment was clouded with fear of it all ending or of it all continuing 

I remember when every memory was flooded with dreams of dying 

I remember when each embrace was shuddered at and every compliment spit on

I remember when I dreamt of diets and desserts  

I remember when my only hope was emptiness and skeletal bones 

Is it worth it?

Am I worth it?

Can I do it?

Do I deserve it?

Is it even possible?

Do I even want it?

A New Day

I look into my now clear light-filled eyes and I cry out “freedom!

I pull on my shirt and hug my belly knowing its power and squeeze on my jeans and smile at the strength within my thighs

I bubble over with gratitude I clean up my makeup, the clothes,

And the excitement for another day and gleefully enter into the unknown

I breath. Knowing each breath is a gift not a prison sentence.

I go to sleep with dreams of a future and joy for the day I lived in.

I say goodnight and goodbye feeling nothing but blessed for whom I get to call my own.

I remember the days I had and hug the girl I am now for all the times I didn’t hug the girl I was.

I remember the days I had and shed a tear, wash my face and know it will all be used for good.

I remember the days I had and plead for all to know you are worth it, you deserve it, and trust me from a girl who didn’t know if she wanted it – you do.

I promise you, the size of your jeans and the number on a scale is nothing compared to the joys of a child, a hug from a mother, a laugh of a friend. 

Your life is worth fighting for.

You are valuable of respecting.

You deserve to be discovered.

You are more than capable of recovery.

It is cliché but it is true.

Oh, honey, if I can do it, so can you. 

You see, there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and oh babe, can`t you see

It’s always been you. 

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