Buffets used to make me nervous. So did parties with large amounts of food. These were just some of the issues I faced when I followed a very restrictive eating pattern. (I can also include refusing to go to brunch with my family one weekend, ordering separately from my friends at dinners, and trying to convey to a very confused waiter at a Chinese restaurant that I don’t want any salt in my dishes). I’ve come a long way in my recovery since those days (mega thanks to both my therapist and former dietitian). To the point where I feel pretty much normalized around food.
So I surprised myself at the 4th of July party I went to last week. I didn’t go in with much anxiety, but I began to feel a little hyper-focused on food once we arrived. And I had less self-control than I thought I would. In my head, I heard my former dietitian telling me to focus on the people, the environment, and the conversation. But I felt myself distractedly going back for more chips in the middle of a conversation with awesome new friends I was making. I noticed I was rushing from one dessert platter to the next. And I ate a slice of cheesecake a little too quickly and eagerly – dropping a bite on the floor as I did so.
When the Recovery Road Gets Bumpy
By the end of the night, I was disappointed in myself. Partially because I’d lost some self-control. But more because of the thoughts that crept in as the party ended. I’ve been feeling really good in my body, but I ate too much tonight… Tomorrow I need to regain control… And I should definitely take a spin class after work. These types of thoughts only feed into the vicious cycle of restriction and reward that is characteristic of many eating disorders. They are thoughts that I no longer support and that I work with my clients to reduce! So I thought, What is happening?! Why am I feeling this way?! I’ve come so far!
It’s important to remember that on the road to recovery, no matter how far along you are or how deep in you started, you may never feel completely “cured” of your eating disorder.
You will have setbacks; you may relapse. But this doesn’t mean you’re failing. In fact, these steps backward are vital parts of the recovery process.
And given that striving for perfection is a common feature of disordered eating, you may be extra hard on yourself for these setbacks. Just like I was when old thoughts crept their way into my head last week. When this happens, it’s beneficial to shift your focus towards how far you’ve come and away from any steps backward and negative thinking.
In my case, I had to recognize how the day after the party went. Several years ago, I would have avoided bread, eaten lean protein with veggies all day, and booked 4 workouts for the rest of the week. Last week, however, on the day following the holiday, I didn’t restrict at any meals. I gave into my craving for 2 bowls of Chex Mix after work because I was hungry, tired, and craving carbs. And I had Oreos for dessert after dinner; and I didn’t force myself to the gym to “undo” Monday.
When, in the thick of your eating disorder, you used to spend so much time trying to achieve perfection, it helps to remember now that the road to recovery itself doesn’t have to be perfect. And can’t we all use a reason to cut ourselves some serious slack (plus a little more cheesecake…)?
I really liked this article–I am trying to read and digest more of them as I take small steps in my own recovery. There are huge steps, like leaving an abusive relationship-but there are smaller ones, like eating breakfast even when I “tell myself” I should not eat until later. It almost feels like a bigger step is being gentle with myself–even bigger than moving across the country to start over. I know, there is no escape from the daily care I have to give myself and I am sure there will be times I wish I could go back to “safety” behind the eating disorder- but I feel, finally, compelled to push forward, despite my fear- and these articles help so much!
Hi Ingrid,
I didn’t realize until my second article was posted yesterday that there are comments at the bottom of these! So I just checked back here to see if I missed one from last time, and I’m glad I checked. Thank you for reading, I’m so glad you liked the article. I understand what you mean – self care, though a very important step towards recovery – can be so challenging! I remember how hard it was for me to feel comfortable putting less pressure on myself, and even now, though it’s become a bit more natural, there’s a voice in my head reminding me that that’s okay to do. Congratulations on persevering (even though it can be scary!) and on taking both the small and big steps in your recovery.
Thank you for replying back!
Came at a perfect time- headed for oral surgery today which I almost canceled- after years of the ED lots of teeth issues- I always feel such shame when I go to the dentist and had to re read your article to help me. Bless you!