Living a life with an eating disorder is similar to living in a coffin. You can breath, see, hear and smell, but you live buried alive. Unable to move, run, laugh, enjoy, relax and breathe freely. You can see the world, the light through a tiny narrow crack in the lid of a coffin. That is how life with an eating disorder feels.
My eating disorder has become a major distraction in my life. All the energy and forces that I could have spent on creating, learning I gave away to this disease. Obsession over my body image, a constant restriction, and deprivation with food, energy, emotions brought my life into misery.
It is time to stop. I have given away enough to the eating disorder.
Enough of time, passion and energy I might have invested in exploring the world around, my personality.
Looking Beyond the Eating Disorder
It is time to start looking beyond and within myself. Who am I beyond my obsession and preoccupation with food and body, beyond my appearance, beyond my worries, beyond my thrive to be perfect, beyond my ego…
Now it is time to learn what are my core values, my passions, dreams, talents, and desires. To start looking for what I can bring into this world. It is time to learn who I am.
I gave away enough of my life. And I was running away for too long. Neglecting and living in denial for too long. I was lying to myself that there is nothing weird or strange in my relationship with food for quite a long time…
My eating disorder helped me live life to the fullest by challenging me to become:
- stronger and to learn how to never give up.
- compassionate, forgiving, loving and accepting of myself and others.
- more patient with myself. Through ups and downs, through slipping into a pitfall – learning how to get back up on the track.
- more persistent and compassionate.
- courageous enough to stay with my emotions until they pass. Without acting on them, without eating them up.
My eating disorder also helped me learn to:
- accept my personality, my dreams, my desires.
- believe in myself, even in the most desperate times.
- validate and express my emotions without suppressing or pushing them away.
- how to stand up and speak up for myself and become more assertive with others.
- become more forgiving with myself.
- distinguish emotional and physical hunger
- get to know my true personality for the first time.
- let go of my compulsive need to control everything.
It has challenged me to tame my inner critic, to feel that I am worthy of love, and to accept me for who I am.
The Gift of the Eating Disorder
It is a gift to be able to face these challenges and finally feel alive after ten years of suffering.
The greatest gift is to choose life over my eating disorder, over a constant restriction, over isolation and perfectionism.
And it is the greatest gift to choose life. Over and over. And to actually live. Every day, every hour. My recovery is my choice. And this choice belongs to me.