You are not special.
Ouch. Did that sting a little? It hurt me when I heard that in therapy while in treatment for my eating disorder.
You see, when I was suffering in silence with my eating disorder and anxiety dictating my every move, I thought that no one in this world could understand what was going on in my head. I thought that I was the only one who was fighting the demons I fought.
Constantly being broken down by the thoughts that ruled my mind, I thought no one could ever understand the hell I was living in.
Turns out, I wasn’t special
Mental illness, anxiety, depression, and eating disorder thoughts have a way of making one believe that they are alone in the world.
That is a lie.
The truth is, you may feel alone because no one can actually get inside your brain to completely understand your demons. Yet everyone who suffers has them – therefore, you are not special.
Let me continue…
I thought that I was the only one who catastrophized my body and planned out its demise over time due to food, age, and lack of exercise…
Turns out I wasn’t special.
I thought I was the only one who felt like they had to exercise multiple times a day or I would spiral into never ending weight gain (I admit, I was fat phobic) and lack of control of my body.
Turns out I wasn’t special.
I thought that there were good and bad foods. I judged others for what they ate and I perceived that they judged me the same.
Turns out I wasn’t special.
I struggled through life, even the smallest of tasks due to my inability to be flexible and go with the flow. Life revolved around trying and control the world around me and calming my chaotic mind.
Turns out I wasn’t special.
I was killing myself to reach a level of perfection that society placed on me by restricting, purging, running, crunching, and even obsessively cleaning.
Turns out I wasn’t special.
Why was I not special?
Simple:
I am not the first to suffer from mental illness, nor will I be the last.
I’m not the only one who feels the pain and suffering of this disease. Trying to control your life by controlling your body is not just my experience. Other people have also used behaviors to numb out the chatter in their mind.
I’m not the only one who believed I would die unless I somehow got my symptom “fix”. I am not special in that way, and neither are you.
You are not alone.
I and so many others stand with you daily. Whether you can feel it or not; we are here.
Surviving. Working. Crying. Hurting. Failing. Learning. Fighting.
Sometimes we do all these things with the hopes of recovery. More often we do them with the doubts that freedom from the demons even exists.
But guess what?
Now, let me flip the switch and tell you how you ARE special.
You are a sensitive, vibrant, wonderful human being who is a light in the world whether you realize it or not.
You are special.
Why? You have survived trials, heart ache, pain, trauma, and hardships that no human being should ever be put through.
You are special.
Warrior, you have made it this far. And you continue to fight through the chaos that the demons in your brain on a daily basis.
You are special.
There is strength in your weakness. That kind of strength will cultivate compassion in you that will enable you to be the change that this world needs.
You are special.
There is only one you on this planet. You bring something that no no one else can give to the people in your life and the world as a whole.
You are special.
Lastly… remember this:
Your eating disorder does not make you special.
You are not unique in your struggles. But you are valuable in your fight for freedom.
You are IT when it comes to your ability to overcome your struggles. Dear Warrior, you are the ONE who can make your world into the place you dream it can be.
How do I know?
I once was the person who thought I was special for all the wrong reasons. Now, I am the woman who is living free because I fought like hell to attain what I believed was unattainable.
THAT is what makes me special.
Freedom from an eating disorder is possible- everything in you that can prove that to be true is what makes you wonderful.
Now, continue to fight for that free life, Warrior.
