For most people, a mirror seems inextricably linked to eating disorders. And this can be a great truth. As a person who has struggled with food from a young age, I can confirm the mirror has been one of my closest friends. Even when I was almost fully isolated. Especially then.
A mirror I couldn’t trust
Despite our long-term relationship, I don’t trust him completely. I never could. And that is why I kept asking for confirmation about my image. Staring at multiple mirrors, windows, and anything that highlighted my reflection was my thing. It was not as an act of narcissism. On the contrary. It was an act of insecurity and uncertainty. I never tired of looking at myself, because I was searching for myself. Non-stop.
Yet, no matter how much I searched, I could not recognize myself.
How did I put so much blind trust into the judgement of a third party? And how is the reflection of myself so strongly questioned, while the ideas of external factors are assimilated so effortlessly and quickly? And I am not only talking about physical appearance.
How can any “positive reflection” seem so wrong and out of place, while any “negative” one, is so correct, expected and logical?
I lost myself
Personally, I lost myself believing a reflection that was shown to me by somebody I used to be very close with. The person he showed me was unimportant, insecure, immature and weak. Without interest, value, or possibilities to survive. I believed him. Only him. And no one else. I disregarded anyone who had a different view.
Because, through him, I saw myself. I didn’t look like my usual self, but it was definitely me. For several years, this was the reflection I believed.
Until it stopped. Not all at once. Slowly and gradually. When the vision was not so hazy anymore, and started becoming clear. Slowly and gradually.
So, whenever something gets into my eye, I do not get confused, like I did then. I have been there before.
This is really well-written x
Thank you so much for reading!