Recovery …. Relapse… Recovery… Relapse… the cycle seemed to be never-ending. I would be deep in the depths of my eating disorder, then go to treatment and be on cloud nine in recovery. Before I knew it I would stumble right back into relapse.
I honestly didn’t think real recovery was ever possible. I began to accept that I would always live with this disease. Can you relate?
One day I was in the midst of slipping back into a relapse when I had this immense soul awakening.
This is not the way I want to live the rest of my life. I don’t want to be in my last days knowing that I never explored this beautiful world because my eating disorder told me that I wasn’t allowed.
Missing out on special family occasions because of my eating disorder is not the way I want to live. I don’t want to miss out on living to my full potential just to hold onto the comfort of my eating disorder.
What can I do to stop this dreadful cycle of recovery and relapse?
I dug into research around habit changing, mindset shifting and creating long-lasting differences in my life. My heart and mind opened to so many different techniques. I slowly implemented them and slowly but surely, I defined what recovery looked like to me.
From there I began taking the steps to get there – and more importantly stay there! I spent a lot of time sitting and defining things like:
My true values
What life would look like without my eating disorder dictating every decision
My own definition of recovery
I had been in treatment and therapy many times. Yet I never took the time to really think of these things. I don’t remember taking the time to think about developing my own values.
Instead of following pre-made guidelines for recovery, I defined what recovery meant to me.
I decided what I wanted my recovery to look like and even what I want to be remembered for after I pass away.
I’ve been set free
Before this, I spent years focused on why my eating disorder developed, what triggers my behaviors and how to cope with them in the moment. Despite that, I never spent time thinking of who I truly wanted to be when my eating disorder wasn’t dictating my daily life.
Taking the time to really consider these things was the key I needed to unlock the tight chains the eating disorder had on me. It is not a quick release by any means. But day by day I am beginning to feel free of the binds of the eating disorder.
So, dear warrior, consider these things… Then go after them. And watch the chains drop away.