RENOUNCE MY PRAYER: A Poem On Eating Disorders and Recovery

Renounce My Prayer: A Poem on Eating Disorder Recovery

I walked steadily in, my breaths shallow,
Into the midst of a glowing shadow…
My pumps tapped lightly on marble floors,
The wind slammed shut the carved wooden doors,
And towering above, stood my temple of faith;
I approached determined, with a choice to make…
Letting go of my trust and my sick twisted pride
in deities who decreed I starve till I die
Tugging the delicate strings of faith
wrapped round tight to lessen my waist,
Till it dwindled into thin air,

I renounce my prayer

That day,
The thread snapped,
Thunder clapped,
My heart cracked;
I was flung from the top,
And I fell;
The fabric of my character
Unraveling…
As I kept traveling
Through an infinite space of black…
The gold-capped domes melted;
New emotions replaced the faith I lacked…
No, lost.
No chants to mould my depression into restriction and obsession…
Eroded.
For what constitutes my persona,
save for anorexia?

I caused a revolt when I tried to retire,

And I watched my truth burnt by the pyre 
This descent felt worse than slowly dying …
So I kept trying 
To clutch the remnants of my religion;
Throw myself at the doors, revoke my decision,
But I feared those hymns eternally;
And my tears fell along with me,
Suspended like diamonds, sharp-cut like pain…
Old bruises resurfaced and bled and stained…
My submerged self couldn’t hear loved ones shout,
there was light at the end; 

Was it my escape out? 

I closed my eyes, flung my arms and awaited
The endless reckoning anticipated
But I found my feet stumbling on pavement;
And arms, not strings, held my waist,
But were gentle unlike that old harsh restraint…
I looked up, saw my lover as he pulled me close~
Kissed me with an energy that penetrates the soul
It was a surprise, when he hushed old lies;
and spoke softly with his words and his eyes
‘Unforgiving sermons are hard to forget;
You swayed to the storm of rue and regret,
But from the spilt scarlet, seeds were sown;
would blossom into fragrant flowers of hope~
And soon, you’d have meadows of scents and hues~
Values and strengths that now define you…

But growth takes time as does healing,

the future looks dark and you feel like screaming…
You spent too long in hurt, to know your worth
To measure the intrinsicity of your meaning
So for now, trust in us and our love and me~

And we’ll get you through this recovery…’