Why is it important to learn how to set boundaries in eating disorder recovery?
I used to think that setting boundaries was a big event. It was like the scene at the end of a movie where the main character decides not to be a doormat. In so doing, she faces off with the people who have been pushing her around and gives a powerful speech or rant. The other people apologize, donāt invade her boundaries anymore, and they all go dancing into the sunset.
All right, I didnāt exactly believe the part about dancing in the sunset. However, I did base a lot of my knowledge on setting boundaries on them. From experience, I know now that’s not how setting boundaries work.
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Here are five things you need to know when setting boundaries:
1. Itās Not a One Time Thing
Sadly, setting boundaries isnāt a one-time deal. Itād be great if it could all get solved in one talk or well-written email. The truth is that, like a real fence, it needs to be maintained. People will test you out to see if you really mean the things youāve said.
As humans we are creatures of habit. Itās much easier for us to keep thinking and acting in the same ways. Thatās as true for you as it is for them.
Keep upholding your boundaries. After some work, it should come more naturally for you to keep your boundaries and for others to respect them.
2. It Doesnāt Need to Be Dramatic
Setting up boundaries doesnāt have to be something that you gear up for. You donāt need to wait for a special time or place. You can set those boundaries today. What you do need to do is be clear with yourself. Sit down and write about the thing that feels like a person is overstepping their bounds.
For example, if you are trying to avoid certain trigger words, it might feel like people are overstepping their boundaries when they talk about these things. It might be especially true if they are aware of your recovery or you already asked them to stop.
In this case, you would write down that you donāt want to be exposed to trigger words. What you wouldnāt write is that you want other people to stop saying these things. Despite the way Hollywood often depicts it, your boundaries are about you. They arenāt about the other person. This brings me to the third thing you need to know about boundaries…
3. Itās About You
That might sound selfish or self-absorbed, but itās not. It is actually incredibly generous to people around you. The boundary you need doesnāt have to do with that other person. In fact, they donāt even have to know youāve set a boundary.
What? Thatās right, you can do all of this boundary-setting without even telling other people.
In some cases, it will be easier if you let people know what you donāt like. Other times that will not seem to help at all. Either way, remember that itās about you and your boundaries.
4. Whatās Next?
Itās not enough to think or say that people shouldnāt trigger you with particular topics. First of all, that gives other people far too much power. You are the hero in your life, not the victim.
Please donāt misunderstand me. I know how an eating disorder can distort the words of others. You need to have the skills and support to help you through this. However, itās still not the person who triggers you.
Secondly, you need to have an action plan. It needs to be entirely dependent on you, not family, friends or strangers.
For example, you might decide that if people start talking about triggering words you will walk away. When you canāt walk away, you will have other ways to protect yourself. Sometimes that will involve reducing your exposure to people who feel toxic to you right now. It also might mean that you journal and do thought work to help take care of yourself.
5. Now Act
Every time that you follow through on your own boundaries it will get easier. You will also prove to yourself that you are worth self-care. The eating disorder has a sneaky way of separating you and trying to find validation and protection outside of yourself. Thatās why itās so important to come back together. To be your whole self and have your own back.
Standing up for yourself and setting boundaries donāt have to be full of drama. Each step you take will clarify your needs and show you something far more valuable. That you are worth protecting and always have been.
Hello.Thank you for such a fascinating and interesting article.