Food choices are not a moral issue – please stop labeling them ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ “I was so naughty yesterday.” “Salad again? You’re being so good this week.” “I’m not eating sugar at the moment so keep that cake away from me.” How many times have you heard phrases like this around the office, at your family home or between friends? Labeling food is everywhere… Most people don’t even think twice about how they discuss what they eat. But more often than not, labeling food ‘good’ and ‘bad’ can cause extreme stress, confusion and guilt. I spent most of the first lock down trying to navigate my way through anorexia recovery. Luckily, I was surrounded by supportive friends who created a safe environment for me to slowly break through my rigid food rules and heal my body. But as soon as I stepped out into the real world again, I realised how common unhelpful comments about food are. In my early twenties, all food for me was the enemy. I spent six years of my life avoiding anything society had labelled ‘bad’ and my whole world revolved around eating ‘healthy’. Obviously, I can now see this was anything but ‘healthy’, and meant that the enjoyment of food – and life – no longer existed. But the most important thing I learnt while receiving therapy for my eating disorder, is this. Food is food. It has absolutely no morality. When we label something as good or bad, it evokes feelings of guilt. And what effect does this have on our relationship with our bodies and our self worth? Typically, diet culture tells you that eating something that gives you pleasure is bad. This mostly stems from a fear of gaining weight as we’re told to avoid foods that might lead us to get ‘fat’. If you end up enjoying these foods, the negative feelings can become overwhelming. “I have no willpower”, “I ruined my diet”, “I’m so bad”. Those intrusive thoughts can then lead us thinking of ways to ‘make up’ for what we’ve eaten. Should I skip dinner? Do an extra long workout? Or give up and eat more ‘bad’ foods? Diet culture thrives on these rules and it’s almost easier to stick to that than to trust ourselves and our cravings. But let’s be clear, food is not the enemy and your choices don’t define you as a person. If you eat something you enjoy, you are not a bad person. And if you gain weight, you are definitely not a bad person. None of us can change our mindset overnight, we have all spent years listening to the £2bn a year diet industry create a dangerous fear around eating and fatness. So it’s okay if you still feel guilt after enjoying something you have previously classified as ‘bad’. Most of the time, it’s used as a coping mechanism and we’re not here to shame anybody’s coping mechanism, especially in a society that places such high value on unrealistic body ideals. But instead of acting on that guilt and punishing yourself and your body, try offering yourself some compassion. And remember your worth has absolutely nothing to do with what you decide to eat. Food is there to nourish your body and mind, so it’s time to stop counting, labeling and judging.
I Love Chocolate But For Years My Eating Disorder Lied About It
Growing up, I always chose vanilla. I mean, as a toddler, I cried when my Grandpa wanted me to try an M&M. My birthday parties had vanilla cake every year. I consistently chose vanilla ice cream at family gatherings. When my Grandma let us pick a candy at the grocery store, I went for Starburst. Never a chocolate bar. At first, when I was young, it was a preference. However, along the way a distortion in my relationship with chocolate developed. In elementary school, I noticed the reactions I got when I said I didn’t like it. I fed off of this. Each time I told my peers I didn’t like chocolate, I got a reaction. They’d look at me with pure puzzlement. Which was always accompanied with a comment. “What do you mean you don’t like chocolate?” “What are you talking about? Chocolate is the best thing ever!”“You’re crazy!”“You’re a liar! Everyone likes chocolate!” By seeing and hearing these reactions, I felt there was something “cool” about not liking chocolate. So, I kept telling people I didn’t like it. And I abstained from eating it. Well, for the most part, that is. I’d have it on occasion. I mean, c’mon, who doesn’t enjoy a Kit Kat from time to time? Was I being truly honest though? However, chocolate still wasn’t my go-to. So I continued telling people I didn’t like it. While reactions, as I got older, became more understanding and sometimes relatable, I still received questionable looks. I was often questioned if I was lying. Was it really that hard to believe I didn’t like it? Well, it turns out they were right. I’m finally going to admit it. I love chocolate. Like love LOVE it. It took me years to come to this realization. But now, I proudly say, “I love chocolate.” And I think I have always loved it. Only, I allowed the reactions and comments of others to lead me into believing I didn’t. There’s nothing “cool” about disliking certain foods. Food is food. It is meant to be enjoyed! Don’t allow for others’ reactions or comments to influence your likings to a food. And certainly don’t let your eating disorder influence you. Now, excuse me while I go enjoy some chocolate.
Is That “Before” Recovery Photo Actually Thinspiration? Don’t Be Fooled!
It’s 2021 and eating disorders are still portrayed as ‘teenage, white cis female’ problems. The only eating disorder that is accepted by society is ‘underweight anorexia’. Movies glamorize deadly illnesses, and some platforms fuel them. This sucks. And then there’s thinspiration and it’s role in eating disorders and society. ‘Thinspiration’ is Harmful Social media can be a great place for people in recovery to connect with others. And it can be a big support. It can provide a space for people seeking recovery where they can draw energy from those further along. However, it can lend itself to ‘thinspo, thinspiration’ (short for thin inspiration). These are idealized depictions of thin/emaciated bodies, promotion of extreme eating disorder behaviors and or glamorizing them. Thinspiration, thinspo, fitspo has been around a long time. It started from social media and sadly these images remain rife across social media platforms. This content is becoming increasingly available and preys on those most vulnerable. They often masquerade as advocating for or raising awareness for recovery, which makes them even more dangerous. Thinsporation in Disguise Most western magazines are full of it, anything that encourages the pursuit of thinness or glorifies the thin ideal falls under those headings. This expands to wellness, fitness influencers and in extreme cases pro eating disorder platforms. I’m glad I am of the generation where tumblr was the only social media platform where this was blatant. I worry about my niecesand nephews who are exposed to far more of these platforms. I’m grateful Tik Tok didn’t exist when I was a kid. These protagonists sharing thinspo content can excite our eating disorders and encourage dangerous behaviors, intended or not. Therefore, it needs to be called out. One of the biggest problems is the common “acceptable” posts on social media from people amid an eating disorder sharing pictures of their emaciated bodies. Or the before and after pictures and my absolute bug bear: the infamous nasogastric tube (NGT) posts. Sick enough? Unfortunately, these posts can reinforce the narrative that to be “sick enough’, valid or recognized as struggling with an eating disorder you need to be in a stereotypical emaciated body. With respect to improving eating disorder awareness and education this poses a big problem. The population of people who need their voices heard are not being recognized because we are fueling the preconceived imagery society holds on to. Instagram and Tik Tok are not great at challenging this. Yes, you can report pretty much anything, but there are loopholes and content creeps in. Almost daily I come across pictures in recovery spaces, of either very thin females posting pictures of themselves with a NGT insitu or a picture of them entering/leaving inpatient treatment. Let me be clear, this may help a small group of people. However, I think in the wider population it’s regressive to the education and awareness of eating disorders at minimum and harmful to many in the throes of one. The Truth About Eating Disorders Underweight anorexia accounts for only 6% of eating disorder diagnosis. Most people experiencing an eating disorder are not underweight by society’s crappy definition. Yet it’s the picture a member of the public holds if you ask them what eating disorders are. Eating disorders are ridiculously competitive beasts. If we continue the notion that to be ‘sick enough’ for help you have to be emaciated or require NGT feeding we are not helping anyone. Least of all the majority of sufferers who are not “underweight” quote unquote. Is it Thinspiration? Please, before you share a picture of you in an emaciated body with or without an NGT, think about it first. Ask yourself these questions, “What are you wanting to gain from this? “ If it’s support or validation you can get this without a picture. Eating disorder treatment is stigmatizing and biased enough already. We don’t need to fuel it by adding to society’s stereotypes. Before you got to this point in time, ‘what would seeing someone else with an NGT have made you feel, what would your ED voice have told you? I have to have an NGT to deserve help, or I need to get to that point’? If it is yes to this, then you know posting this is harmful. Not Yet… I’m not ashamed to say this now, I used to seek out ‘pro-eating disorder content’ when I was in the absolute depths of my eating disorder. My eating disorder was all over it, like a bee to pollen. It is what an ill mind does. I also used to see these pictures of NGT fed people and believe “I don’t have a problem, because I don’t need a tube, yet”. The word “yet” is the important word here. Because my eating disorder lied to me and thrived off these thinspo posts and used them against me. I was ‘not as good at anorexia’ or ‘I didn’t deserve help because I wasn’t that picture’ or ‘I needed to get to that point’ None of these were true, but viewing these posts gave my ED free reign. Any content that focuses on numbers, appearance, or aesthetic rather than health as a motivating factor for change falls under thinspiration. This is always a red flag when instructors or influencers talk about “fitness” over thinness but still share before and after pictures. Let’s bring comparison to the table here. These kinds of posts lend themselves to comparisons. Comparison we already know is detrimental to one’s growth and healing. It really is the thief of joy. What exactly does this have to do with “thinspo” etc? Well, these posts can also serve as a source of torture and self-sabotaging. The all or nothing mindset that’s common to many with eating disorders means that these posts have the potential to set a cascade of eating disorder thoughts in motion by viewing such content and drawing comparison. Recovery spaces are supposed to feel safe. Yet these posts remain a constant feature. I cannot imagine how crushing
If Recovery Feels Impossible- You’re Not Alone. How to Break Free
Perhaps you’ve been to therapy, read the books, even tried treatment. Maybe you’ve never gone to treatment because you’re “not sick enough.” Or you’ve been to treatment over and over again. You’ve gained weight. Lost weight. Obsessed over weight. Eaten. Not eaten. You hate your reflection. You hate yourself. Whatever your situation, your struggles with food, weight, and body feel like a prison you can never break free from. Recovery feels impossible. So what can you do? When Recovery Feels Impossible- A Paradox Living in the depths of an eating disorder can feel incredibly lonely. It’s common when struggling to believe recovery is possible for other warriors, but “not for me.” It’s a paradox really. On one hand it’s completely typical to feel you’re not “sick enough” to get better. On the other hand, so many of us believe we are “sicker” or “more messed up” or “hopeless” than others when it comes to recovery. At the age of 39 I distinctly remember wondering if true recovery was actually possible. I’d seen others work hard and “reach” it. I’d listened to their inspirational stories. But I wondered if they were truly free? If real recovery was even possible. The times I let in the possibility of recovery being real, I added one stipulation. Yes, it was real… for others. But perhaps not for me. Maybe I’d been struggling for too long. I was too messed up. My thoughts, behaviors, patterns, life was too f*ed up. It was an overwhelming, depressing, and lonely place to be. Perhaps you relate. What I didn’t know at the time was: I was not alone. In fact, for many warriors, recovery feels impossible. The very thing I thought made me alone and different was in fact something I shared with many other warriors. It’s such a common experience to believe you can’t recover, you aren’t “sick enough” or you’re “too messed up” to recover. So What Can You DO When Recovery Feels Impossible? Great…so we’re all struggling. We don’t know if we can get better, and we feel completely alone. But what can we DO about it? Don’t worry warriors- I got you! 1. Recognize the need for help when recovery feels impossible I get it. Asking for help feels incredibly vulnerable. Scary. Threatening. Maybe it even feels useless. Perhaps you’ve asked others for help and it didn’t pan out so well. Jessica Flint has a quote I love. She says, We don’t heal ourselves by ourselves. Jessica Flint It’s so true. When we live in a place of shame, we isolate. This only allows shame to fester and grow. A key to recovery IS connecting with other people. Of course we’d all like our family and loved ones to be there for us. To understand and support us. But what about when they don’t get it? Consider sharing some resources such as this one with your family and loved ones. Sharing a resource like this can help increase understanding and open up a dialogue where you can express your needs. No matter how hard you try, your family simply may not “get it.” This is painful and a loss that needs to be grieved. But it IS possible to find support outside of your family. Asking for help from a therapist, coach, nutritionist, or doctor is a great place to start. If you don’t know where to begin, check out Project Heal or NEDA. Consider finding a local support group such as ANAD. 2. Focus on the next right step When I was at my lowest, I was terrified of the future. At the same time, I couldn’t imagine tolerating living in the hell of the eating disorder any longer. I felt overwhelmed with life. Thankfully, I had an amazing therapist who reminded me, over and over again, to just focus on taking the next right step. The next right step will look different for everyone. For some, it could mean sitting down and eating a meal. For others, it could mean picking up the phone to call a therapist. Maybe it means allowing yourself to skip a workout. The key is to determine what the next right step for recovery is. Not for the eating disorder. Doing this requires you dig really deep and get radically honest with yourself. Over and over again. One tiny little step at a time. It makes sense recovery feels impossible when our eyes are fixed on the end result. On living a life free of an eating disorder. But when we stop focusing on the large end goal, and instead look at each tiny step we can take forward, it becomes less overwhelming. Set yourself up for “wins” by identifying small steps you can take towards recovery every single day. If you want accountability and structure, join us in the warrior challenge! 3. Connect online While peer support is never a replacement for professional help when recovering from an eating disorder, it certainly can provide additional support. Consider who you follow on social media. These Instagram accounts can be really helpful for you on your journey. Following advocates and professionals who share important information can open your eyes and heart up to issues related to the eating disorder. There are also multiple ways to learn online. Here at Recovery Warriors, we offer many programs to help support you on your path to recovery. Learning skills, connecting with other warriors, and gaining the full experience can be life changing. Check it out here. Understanding that the fatphobia is a social justice issue has been monumental in my own recovery. Following, connecting with, and learning from activists online such as Your Fat Friend and Ragen Chastain opened my eyes to the injustices in our society. No matter where you fall on the spectrum of size, fatphobia and diet culture impact you. I now see choosing recovery as an act of resistance against oppression and this gives me the power, energy, and conviction to choose recovery. Even during the
The SALV(E) You Need to Heal Your Eating Disorder
For a long time, I thought I just had a problem with my weight, food, and my body. I wanted to weigh as little as possible, eat as little as possible, and have visible abs. Those were my goals for my “health.” I had no idea what it meant to heal an eating disorder. Perfectionism I didn’t understand why I struggled so much with perfectionism around eating. Or why I wanted such control over what I put in my mouth and what the scale said in the morning. I thought I was broken. And this was just a sickness that manifested itself in my mind, body and heart. I thought I was crazy because everyone else around me seemed to have a “normal,” stress-free relationship around food. It wasn’t until I dug deeper–dug past the food, my weight and my body themselves—to find my bigger why. Why eating disorders and chronic dieting aren’t actually about food Many women say to me, “I just need to lose X pounds.” Or, “I just need to cut out X food group.” But that’s not the whole story. If your eating disorder was just about the weight, you would feel happy after losing the 5, 10, 50 pounds to reach your goal weight. But chances are, if we’re being honest with ourselves, we won’t be. We’d want to lose more, be thinner. At my thinnest, it was never enough. Never mind I weighed less than what was appropriate for my body. Or that I was working out seven days a week and restricting calories. Never mind I felt weak and couldn’t focus or think about anything other than food. Let alone focus on any thoughts at all. If you’re chasing a goal weight, please know that you are actually not chasing that weight. Because when you get there, you won’t feel any better about yourself. And here’s why. The SALV(e) we all need to heal an eating disorder I came up with this acronym totally by accident, if we’re being honest. But it applies perfectly to those wanting to heal an eating disorder, disordered eating, and dieting. As I said before, I eventually came to understand the reasoning behind my incessant drive to be thinner and thinner. It was directly related to my need to be the best. My driving perfectionism. I grew up believing the prettier you were the more valuable you were. And pretty also meant being thin. So the thinner I was, the prettier I was. And the more perfect I was. If I was perfect, I could shield myself from bullying and criticism. In my mind, no one could hurt me if I was thin. And by extension, perfect. I finally understood that instead of losing weight or eating less food, I needed to start uncovering what created this drive to be perfect in the first place. And how I could find value in myself without being perfect. I needed to disassociate thinness from worthiness and perfection to heal the eating disorder. It took years, I’ll admit. But dealing with the root causes of self-worth and perfectionism healed my issues with food and my body for good. No amount of weight loss could change the way I felt about myself. Doing the internal work of re-parenting my inner child and cultivating a sense of intrinsic worth was the only thing that was going to do that. Through my recovery and my current job as a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor (in training), I know we can only heal our issues with food, body and weight with a SALV(e). Safety This includes physical, mental and emotional safety. For many, manipulating their bodies is a way to augment their presence in the world or shrink it down to near invisible. Both of which, typically, are responses to trauma. Emotionally and mentally, we want to feel we’re safe to be who we truly are. Regardless of our size. We want to know we won’t experience verbal or physical threats for the way we look. Acceptance Our need for acceptance is evolutionary. When we hunted and gathered in packs, if we were left by our group, we’d either starve to death or be eaten by a predator. That same need for acceptance lingers today. Studies even show that human connection leads to a longer, more fulfilled life. If we feel we’re not accepted because of our size, we try to manipulate it in order to be “part of the pack.” Because it is unsafe to not be. Love Similar to acceptance, the presence of loved ones creates a longer, happier life. In our fatphobic society the media only shows thin, young and beautiful women in leading lady roles “getting the guy.” It’s understandable we believe being anything other than that will leave us alone with a clowder of cats. And I’m sorry for the binary example, but it’s the most prevalent we see in society today. We believe we’re unlovable if we don’t fit the mold for which love appears to be reserved. Validation (not external) We want to know we’re worthy. That we matter in this world. With social media, it’s so easy to see the big, sexy success stories, not realizing just how rare those are in a world of eight billion people. We want the A, the gold medal, the raise, the body compliments. This tends to happen when we don’t have any intrinsic worth. When we don’t believe we’re worthy regardless of our accomplishments (or lack thereof). But we are. We don’t need to win awards or have the perfect body in order to claim our rightful place in this world. Knowing your Why So what’s your “why”? My strategy for figuring it out is playing “The Why Game.” Ask yourself why you want to lose weight. If it’s to be “healthy,” which sounds like a noble goal, ask yourself why you equate thinness with health. Studies actually show greater longevity in people who are slightly overweight (a nonsensical BMI term,
Is “I’m Just Trying to be Healthy” a Self Destructive Facade?
Every now and then, I still find myself reflecting on the days where I truly perceived myself to be a highly motivated physical trainer focused on trying “to be healthy” and “motivating others” to do the same. What a load of shit that was. A Prisoner of my own mind While there are times the pandemic makes me feel restricted from doing things I enjoy – like going on vacation or going to the karaoke bar for my world-renowned Backstreet Boy performances – it pales in comparison to the feeling of being held as a prisoner by my own mind. Unfortunately, that was a daily occurrence for almost a decade of my life. But after a battle that was harder than any soccer match, CrossFit workout or at-bat on the baseball field, I’m honored to say those days are long gone. When “trying to be healthy” crosses a line Earlier today, I found myself wondering how I ever let it get so bad. What was I thinking? And what was it that continued to drag me deeper and deeper into the abyss of an eating disorder? The underlying reason came at me pretty quickly. That reason, per my ill-conditioned, not fully functioning 20-something year old brain: “I’m just trying to be healthy.” While I was aware that something was wrong, that same excuse was what dug me deeper. Today, those words are exactly what keeps me in recovery as opposed to what pulls me back into the living hell that was my 20s. My relationship with food and exercise had become toxic. And after seeing what life is like on both sides of the table, I want to clarify what I mean. Because it might just prevent one person from making the same mistake that I did. Food Is counting macros a daily “chore”? First of all, I want to clarify I am not promoting a diet where macros are entirely ignored. It’s probably impossible to eat a tub of ice cream at the end of every meal without unwanted consequences. With that said, counting macros at the most granular level is not only unnecessary, it’s emotionally exhausting. If your planned split of 50% carbs, 30% protein and 20% fats is off, do you feel like it’s a failed day? If your answer is yes, that’s likely a problem. How rigid is your meal plan? I remember developing 1 to 2-week long meal plans and sticking to them no matter what. Even worse, if I had an event in which I’d be “forced” to eat something like Papa John’s or Taco Bell, I made sure that meal plan leading up to it was pristinely “healthy”. The idea of needing to compensate for one meal – or even a few meals – is telling as to whether or not yourrelationship with food could use some work. Eliminating and religiously repeating food groups This one makes me angry. All throughout high school, I cherished the weekly Chinese food and / or takeout pizza. It was even better when it included a trip to the local ice cream and dessert shop. So how much crap was it when I completely eliminated these sorts of foods from my diet because “I just don’t really like (insert food group here)”? Truth alert – I LOVED (and currently love) Chinese food, pizza and sweets. However, because I “was just trying to be healthy,” I avoided these sorts of foods like the plague. Again – this is unhealthy from a mental perspective. Similarly, I found myself eating the same types of food on a weekly routine. Chicken breast, vegetables and sweet potatoes – check. Baked salmon, quinoa and cauliflower mashed potatoes – check. Eggs with gluten free toast (I am not gluten free), bacon and dairy-free coffee creamer (I am not lactose intolerant) – check. I had identified “safe foods” that I knew werehealthy and I stuck to them. I even remember bringing these types of meals to gatherings when I knew something else would be prepared. because – you know – “I was just trying to be healthy.” Guilt, shame and envy If you’re famished and decide to eat 8 Taco Bell tacos, what is your first thought? Or when you decide to eat 4 brownies after dinner, what do you think? If the answer includes anything around disgust, regret or the need to atone for it, I can confidently say your relationship with food is not a great one. Additionally, if you see someone else partake in the above without any second thought, and you become jealous or “judgy” – that is no better. No one should criticize themselves for eating any type of food. And no one should feel the need to punish themselves – through fasting or through exercise – for their actions. Why? Because no one deserves that. Imagine if you spoke to someone after eating 8 tacos the same way you spoke to yourself. If you’d speak differently to them, you are only driving yourself deeper into a shame spiral. Exercise What would happen if you were prevented from exercise for a week…a month… a year? If you shudder at the thought of not working out for more than a day or two, your relationship with exercise could be unhealthy. I recall the fear of injury or travel preventing me from exercising for more than 2 days in a row. It was a nightmare. And it was not only mentally exhausting, but physically as well. How flexible is your routine? There was a time in my life where one day off was unacceptable. My mindset was that someone else was out there working harder and becoming better than I was. Any day off was a day I fell further behind. If I was forced to take one day off, there was no way I could take two. Even worse, I firmly believed that my day could not start – or that it was not complete – until a workout was
What is The Full Bowl Challenge and Can it Help Your Recovery?
If you have anorexia, it’s not uncommon to consistently think “I’m eating too much.” Anytime I think of having a little more, the eating disorder voice becomes loud. So loud that I can’t ignore it. So loud, that I believe it. I know I’m not alone. And that this way of thinking does nothing to help your recovery. There are so many times where I have had to fight that voice. The only way to defy that voice is to do the opposite of what the eating disorder is demanding. This can be anything from breaking a food rule to giving myself a little extra. I’ve been able to do these things. Only, I really wanted to anger the eating disorder one day. I was tired of all the rules. The rigid planning. The obsession of food. I just wanted the eating disorder to leave me alone. So I knew what I needed to do to show the eating disorder who was in charge. At this point, the eating disorder was ruling my life. I wanted to regain some of my power back. And the only way to do that was to fight the eating disorder voice. Thus, was the birth of the Full Bowl Challenge. The Full Bowl Challenge Can Help Your Recovery I knew that day I was going to have a chicken burger with some cheddar lightning bolts. (Which are basically just Cheetos.) The plan was to have a certain amount of these lightning bolts. This required the use of my food scale. Which made it safe to have these lightning bolts. Then I thought to myself, ‘What if I just fill a bowl?’ Immediately, the eating disorder had something to say about this. How dare you!You can’t just fill a bowl!You’ll have too much!You have to know the exact amount!Why would you even dare think that? These thoughts were on repeat. I was giving in to listening to them. Then I stopped myself. I remembered my initial thought. ‘What if I just fill a bowl?’ To stop the eating disorder thoughts, I repeated my thought to myself. I even said it out loud to give myself courage! Then I got out a pink bowl and my bag of cheddar lightning bolts. But I refused to go and get my food scale. To royally anger my eating disorder, I poured my lightning bolts into the bowl. Only, I took it to the next level. I filled the entire bowl! And I enjoyed every last one of those cheddar lightning bolts. The Freedom From how freeing it felt, I knew I had to do this again. While there was discomfort and fear surrounding the full bowl challenge of lightning bolts, I knew with practice it would become easier. Then one day it wouldn’t be scary. So I started implementing a Full Bowl Challenge on a weekly basis. I’d take a bowl and just fill it and eat everything in the bowl. I did this with a variety of foods. Chips, cereals, crackers. I just tried doing it with as many things as I could. And it did become easier. To this day, I’m still doing my Full Bowl Challenges. Only, I find myself looking forward to these Full Bowls rather than as a challenge. And you can too! So my fellow warrior, are you up for the Full Bowl Challenge? Grab yourself a bowl and one of your favorite foods. Then just fill it all the way up! You can do this. I believe in you.
Are You Allowing Curiosity to Lead the Way to Freedom?
My eating disorder controlled my life for what seemed like forever. I could not recall the last time I felt free from the traps of Ed. It was the first thing that popped in my mind when I rolled out of bed in the morning. And the last thing I thought of as I drifted off to sleep. Curiosity had no place in my daily routine. Being led through life this way was all I knew. It was predictable. I had no idea what life was without my eating disorder. Really, I did not even know who I myself was without it. Something more As I thought about it, I realized that there had to be something more. I knew my life’s purpose couldn’t be living in the traps of my eating disorder. There had to be more. But what? What more was there? And more importantly, who was I without it? The Terror The thought of giving up all I knew was not just scary. It was outright terrifying. It was the scariest and hardest thing I could have ever done. I did not believe I was ready, I didn’t know if I ever could be. And I wanted my eating disorder, I thought I needed it. It offered me comfort, control, prediction, and coping. But it also offered me a life of isolation, sadness, lying, stealing, pain, secrecy, loathing, self hatred, and treatment cycles. Curiosity about the Unknown In contrast, I did not know what a life of recovery had in store for me. I couldn’t imagine who I was without it. So despite not being sure I was ready or capable, I allowed myself to follow my curiosity, and checked it out. As I gave myself permission to be curious with what recovery had to offer, I came across a lot of challenges on the road. Getting rid of my scale, removing diet rules, stopping restriction, purging, exercise, laxatives and diet pills… All which came along with pain and tears, time and perseverance. There were moments as it got rough, that I could not do it alone. It was at those times that I fully allowed myself to lean on others. I knew I needed the support. I allowed my treatment team to hold the hope for me when I could not hold onto it for myself. Asking Questions with Curiosity As each hurdle arouse, I approached it with an intrigued mind. Asking myself: What will life be like once I let this go? How will this change what I already know? What will I find out about myself? As an adventurous and curious person by nature, I allowed that to help me slowly step out of life with an eating disorder. And experience my revived life of recovery and freedom. It was not an easy path as I discovered the unknown, but once the new became familiar, it was so much sweeter. I now know that recovery offers me a life of happiness, freedom, relationships and so much more. Although days still get rough, I am forever grateful I allowed curiosity to lead the way.
What Does Recovery Mean and Why Is It Important?
Let’s face it, recovering from an eating disorder is HARD. Yes, it’s worth the fight. And of course I’m going to encourage you to keep working towards it. But I’ll never say it’s easy. So if you’re going to keep trudging forward in the sometimes terrifying, often overwhelming, and no doubt grueling path of recovery, make sure you understand just what exactly you’re working towards. What does the word recovery even mean? What exactly does recovery actually mean? In it’s simplest form, to recover means to go back and get something. Some ways the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word recover include: to get back, regain, rescue, make up for, find or identify again, save from loss, or restore to usefullness. Imagine with me for a moment… Picture this: after spending an hour catching up with a friend, you exit a local coffee shop. Driving home, your mind drifts to your never ending to-do list. Pulling your keys out of the ignition and grabbing your purse, you notice it feels lighter. Looking for your phone, you suddenly realize it’s not in your purse. You search the passenger seat, floor, and even your pockets hoping to find your phone. Thinking back to the last time you had it, you recall handing your phone to your friend to show her a picture. Had she set it down on the lumpy couch at the coffee shop? Maybe your phone’s still there? Anxiously, you drive back, hoping you find your phone. What if someone took it? Your entire schedule, all of your photos, your contacts… so much is on that phone. Without it you feel sort of lost. As you rush through the entry of the shop, you see the friendly waitress who brought your coffee. Smiling she reaches into her pocket and says, “I think you left this here.” Relief washes over you as she hands you the phone. When you drove back to get your phone, you were actually recovering it. Recovery seems easy when we look at it this way. Yes, there may be panic when you realize something’s been lost. Likely you have a strong desire to go back and get it. Because you feel lost with out it. And once you find it, you feel relief. But what about when what you’ve lost isn’t as concrete or easy to find? What does this even mean for ED Recovery? In my example above, the lost item was a cell phone. But when thinking about ED recovery, what does this mean? What exactly has been lost that needs to be found, regained, rescued, or restored? Your true authentic self When we sink into an eating disorder, we become detached from who we truly are. We cut off communication to our bodies, which serve as our homes through this lifetime. Rejecting our bodies in their natural shapes and sizes, we ignore and hurt them while trying to mold them into what society deems attractive. Disconnected from our intuition, we search towards the outside world for acceptance, approval, and validation. In the process, we lose ourselves. But just like a missing cell phone, at first we may not even realize something is lost. I spent decades of my life searching for perfection in my body, my work, and my relationships. Not ever realizing that by doing this, I had lost my true self. It wasn’t until I woke up one morning in my 40’s faced with another day I didn’t want to get out of bed, that I realized something was missing. Noticing something is lost is just the first step in regaining it. Next you have to figure out just where you may find it. Retracing your steps can help. When was the last time you felt truly yourself? Who were with when you last spoke authentically from your heart? What were you doing the last time you felt connected to yourself? Where did you last feel your soul light up with passion? Have you ever lost track of time while doing something you love? What were you doing? *Please note- if even answering these questions feels overwhelming and impossible- you’re not alone. For a long time I feared maybe underneath the eating disorder- I didn’t even have a true authentic self. This was a lie the eating disorder told me. We are each unique, bright, individual souls here on this earth with a purpose. I was more than my eating disorder. And YOU are more than your eating disorder. Do not give up if you answered, “I don’t know” to all of the above questions. Recovery can and will help you reconnect with your true authentic self. Never too far gone Once you realize what’s been lost, and how long it has been gone, it’s time to go back and get it. Finding your true authentic self is the biggest gift that comes out of the work of recovery. But this task isn’t easy. We often look in the wrong places for our true authentic selves. People with eating disorders mistakenly attach our weight and body size to who we truly are. We falsely believe our eating habits, body size, and food issues define us. They don’t. Eating disorders are complicated and caused by so many different factors, but they don’t ever define who we are. Searching for meaning and ways to define ourselves is not unique to people with eating disorders. It’s the human condition to want to define/measure/evaluate ourselves. Many people attach their identity to their careers, their socioeconomic status, education, or family. While these are all ways to describe how we function in this world- they don’t define who our authentic selves are. That goes much deeper than the size of our bank accounts or our pants. What ED recovery can really mean Ed recovery is about recovering our true authentic selves. It’s about reclaiming a life worth living. With purpose and intention. We must go back and retrieve our talents, our desires, our passions, and our drives.
Learning to Take Up Space in the Midst of an Eating Disorder
Slowly, like pouring molasses from a jar, my language shifted from I am a waste of space to I deserve to take up space. Some days I shout it, other days my voice takes the shape of a whisper. Some mornings I wake up and feel like I can do anything, other days I wonder if I can get out of bed. Every day, I tell myself I am worth the effort and energy I put into myself. That other people love and care for me. Slowly, I’m learning to love myself again. Learning to take up space Sitting in a green chair at a crisis center, I told a stranger my story. How I binged and starved and self-harmed. How I wanted to die. She told me I was being timid in my life. Withering away under the assumption that my role in this world is to make the people around me happy. I was causing myself to fold in on myself like a piece of crumpled paper. Trying to take up the least amount of space humanly possible. “You have to be loud,” she said. “Not all the time. But sometimes. You have to use your voice and speak when you need help.” “I got myself here, didn’t I?” I stated, flourishing my right hand. Indicating that I got myself somewhere safe by speaking up about my suicidality. “You need to write,” she told me. I was given a yellow, wide-ruled composition book upon my arrival at the unit. “If you want to die, that is your choice. Fine. But not yet. Not until you have explored all of your options.” You need to take up space or you will be lost between the gaps in your words. I am not recovered yet. I do not love my body every day, but most days, I do. Many days, I do not like my personality or the way my voice shakes or how shy I have become. I speak up anyways and make my presence known. I take up space.
Is Your Use of a Food Scale Harmful? 3 Reasons to Stop Now
I became obsessive with my food scale. Weighing out everything I ate, I needed to make sure that I was eating the serving size. For that felt safe. As well as validating. I mean, it feels as if eating the serving size amount is the correct thing to do. And I love doing things correctly. So does my eating disorder. What’s the cost of using a food scale? I knew that by weighing out my food, I was giving in to my eating disorder. Yet, I couldn’t stop. It felt as if I were breaking a rule if I didn’t weigh out my food. And I’ve never been one to break rules. So I continued to abide by my eating disorder’s rule of weighing out my portions. Only, this started to get the best of me. I felt trapped and safe all at once. Safe because I knew how much I was having. But also trapped because I knew how much I was having. By having a set amount of food, I was working against my goal of intuitive eating. There were times I wanted more. Only, I wouldn’t let myself to have more. For I could only have the “correct” amount. This was also apparent for the times I wanted to eat less. However, I’m in no place to eat less. I know better than to give in to my eating disorder in that way. A new way of thinking One night I wanted to have a turkey sandwich. And I was about to get my food scale out. Then I found myself not wanting to retrieve it. The eating disorder wanted me to fetch it. But I didn’t want to. The mental tug of war whether or not to get my food scale was getting the best of me. My stress was building up. The only way to quiet the voice would be to go and get my food scale. Only, I stopped and took a second to myself. Then I thought, ‘What’s going to happen if I don’t weigh out the turkey in my sandwich?’ Of course, my eating disorder gave me every reason in the book why I “should” get my food scale. However, I wiped these reasons from my mind and came up with three reasons why I shouldn’t get my food scale. 3 Reasons to Stop Using the Food Scale Now 1. To move towards intuitive eating 2. I have the right to eat whatever amount I want 3. Portion sizes are not a set of rules to follow I held onto these reasons and resisted getting my food scale. I got out my bread, turkey, and cheese. As tempted as I was to weigh out this turkey, I reminded myself of the freedom I would have. That making a sandwich doesn’t need to be so complicated. So I took out the turkey from the package and placed it between the bread. I started to overthink it. Then I caught myself trying to recall what my previous sandwiches looked like. I reminded myself of my three reasons to resist using the food scale. I took a deep breath and continued to make my sandwich. When it came time to take a bite, I’ll admit, I was scared. Although I’ve had this sandwich before, not knowing the exact amount of calories was beyond unsettling. I stared at the sandwich. How could I eat this? I need to know exactly how much turkey is in it! I need to have the “correct” amount! Again, I took a deep breath. Then, I took a bite. And how freeing it felt to eat a turkey sandwich. To this day, I no longer weigh out my turkey for my turkey sandwich. And I’m not running back anytime soon to my food scale to make this sandwich.
How to Trust Your Gut in Eating Disorder Recovery
Early satiety. That’s what my nutritional counselor told me I was experiencing when I felt full. I thought I was honoring my hunger and practicing intuitive eating. She knew I’d been restricting long enough to curb my hunger cues. So she told me exactly what I needed to hear to be rescued from quasi-recovery. That most people can’t go directly from a period of restriction/disordered eating to intuitive eating because they can’t trust their hunger and fullness cues. I waited until after our session to start crying. For months, I’d followed recovery stories from folks who had insatiable hunger they were finally honoring. I was envious of their ability to clear multiple plates worth of food in a single sitting in an effort to refuel their undernourished bodies. If mine was undernourished, too, why wouldn’t it ask me for food? And why, when I did give it food, did it feel uncomfortably stuffed after just a few bites? In the beginning, I never felt certain that I was undernourished because I didn’t have the hunger to prove it to myself. My hormones didn’t lie. My food and body fixation didn’t lie. But my hunger did. If your hunger hasn’t come yet, eat anyway I ate anyway. At regular intervals, as prescribed, for months. After two months of full commitment, hunger started visiting me. Unfortunately, she would only visit me right before bed. Choosing to unknowingly ignore her enough times during the day meant that she had to cram in all of her quality time with me when I wanted to sleep. So did I will myself to sleep through her incessant nagging or get up and cram spoonfuls of almond butter in my mouth? The latter, of course. Three months and many disrupted nights of sleep later, there was an entire week that passed in which hunger visited me during the day. Every. Single. Day. For every meal, every snack, every extra snack, every extra snack. I became reacquainted with her as I ate and ate and ate. Enough so that finally, she left me to sleep without her, complete with a full stomach and an even fuller heart. Accept the discomfort of your gut Nourishing yourself after a period of restriction is going to feel like stuffing a pineapple into a tube sock. It’s going to be uncomfortable. You’re going to feel bloated, overstuffed, and possibly constipated. Your metabolism is going to take time to catch up to your new feeding schedule. And you’re going to wonder why you’re doing it (because seriously, why would anyone stuff a pineapple into a tube sock?!). I spent five months wondering if I would ever not feel like my abdomen was swollen and distended. Putting on “real pants” was genuinely impossible. But in the same week that hunger began announcing herself during the daytime, something amazing happened. My energy started returning, and so did my focus. That whole week felt like a vacation from recovery because it didn’t feel like recovery anymore. It just felt like living. I can’t ask my body exactly what was happening that week, but it felt like a turning point. Like my body was finally ready to move beyond using the calories to restore years of undernourishment and into using the calories to nourish my present body instead. Moving all that lovely fuel through my gut with comfort and ease. Every week after that, my energy started to stabilize, and my digestion finally started catching up. Parting thoughts on hunger Hunger still visits me regularly. I don’t always recognize her in my midday headache or my post-bike-ride fatigue. But if I suspect it might be her, all I have to do is eat. Then, I’m sure. Soon, she comes running up to me to relieve my headache, fill my legs with glycogen, and wag her finger at me for not spotting her sooner. I’m excited for when I can recognize her every time we pass. After so many years apart, it’s like wrapping up my oldest friend in a tight hug. And this time? I’m not letting her go. (Last Updated: April 19, 2022)
Why Letting Go is Essential to Full Eating Disorder Recovery
Just like the break-up of a romantic relationship, breaking things off with your eating disorder is painful. Like in most areas, letting go of an eating disorder is never easy. Letting go of my eating disorder, and all the purposes it served me, has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. Repairing my relationship with my body has taken up my time, energy, mental capacity, and at times, sanity, over the past year. And it’s still the very early days. Going through the whole thing alone, without any form of support or psychological therapy has only made it the whole more difficult. Not impossible. But difficult. In all honesty, it’s been a lot of ‘one step forward, two steps back.’ Despite all the best intentions, there have been some days where that eating disorder ‘quick fix’ has been all too tempting. But, for me, relapses have been an essential part of the process. Having reflected on my journey over the past 12 months, and why my recovery has been a bit of a yo-yo, I’ve come to realize I was still holding a grasp on things that were incompatible with the very nature of what it means to be recovered. So, without further ado, here’s what I’ve had to relinquish to enable true recovery. 1. Letting go of the idea that I’ll ever be skinny again ‘I want to recover from my eating disorder, but I don’t want to gain weight’. Possibly the biggest oxymoron, and a total contradiction of the very notion of what it means to recover. But certainly a very common idea held by people entering eating disorder recovery, nonetheless. Indeed, eating disorders are a mental illness that present in physical symptoms. Often weight gain is a necessary part of the process. Attempting to recover from an eating disorder whilst controlling your weight is like trying to drive a car without any keys. You’re not going to get very far and any change will only be surface-level. To truly commit to recovery and a life free from any kind of disordered eating, I’ve had to come to accept the idea that ‘I’ll never be skinny again’. I have to relinquish the idea that I can ever attempt to control my body size or shape again. And minimize the amount of value, importance, and mental capacity I place on my physical appearance. Recovery is very much a body-oriented process. Yet, for me, I’ve found moving in the opposite direction to be a huge aid. Reducing the amount of body-focused content I consume on social media, going cold turkey on all forms of body checking, and replacing the stock that I once put in my body into other areas of myself, have been major catalysts for me in my recovery. 2. Letting go of numbers in eating disorder recovery The objective, factualness of numbers is something I’ve always found safety in. There is no grey area. Numbers say what they mean, provide clear indication of what is right and wrong, true and false, good and bad. In some capacities, this has been completely harmless. It certainly served me well through my math classes at school. The idea of numbers as an indicator of morality, reality, and veracity, is hugely detrimental (and unhealthy) when you apply that to how you think about and speak to your own self. Numbers are the eating disorder’s favorite marketing ploy. Calories. Weight. BMI. Clothing size. Exercise duration. Number of miles run. Working on my brain’s tendency to utilize numbers as a measure of anything abstract – my worth, moral value, success – has been a massively important part of my journey towards complete recovery. 3. Letting go of the idea that life can be perfect ‘I can be perfect’. ‘My life can be perfect’. ‘I can feel perfect every day’. All beliefs I told myself that would be possible if I just lot a bit more weight. Ultimately, eating disorders are a coping mechanism with a function. If they didn’t serve any benefit, they for sure wouldn’t be such long-term tenants. And they can be pretty effective at getting their job done, despite the destruction that also ensues. But the truth is, it’s never been about your body. I was so certain that once I hit my ‘goal’ weight (news flash: it doesn’t exist – you’re chasing thin air), my life would become an untouchable bubble of sunshine and success. And if anything bad were to happen, it wouldn’t feel half as bad if I were skinny. In reality, it was the equivalent of sticking a plaster on an giant open wound. Losing weight, eating fewer calories, and shrinking yourself, is in no way intertwined within the unpredictable inner workings of the universe. Trying to control that is futile. Through learning to accept the fallibility and fragility of being a human, my life has profoundly improved.
Opposite Action- A Simple and Successful Recovery Tool
Standing in my kitchen I stared at the pantry filled with food. I already knew what was on each shelf. I’d been standing there for what felt like hours. This was the third time I’d opened it over the past half an hour. My stomach growled angrily as I closed the cabinets again. Thinking to myself, “I just don’t want to eat,” I froze. The eating disorder screamed at me to just go to bed instead of eating. It hissed, “It’s too late to eat. You’ve already had enough food today. You can’t possibly need any more calories.” Thankfully, the tool of opposite action popped into my head. What is Opposite Action? Originally a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) skill, opposite action is exactly what it sounds like. It means consciously doing the opposite behavior of what your impulse in that moment is. In the framework of eating disorders, opposite action can more clearly be described as doing the direct opposite behavior of what your eating disorder wants you to do. Some Examples This tool can be used in many areas of eating disorder recovery. The obvious one – with actual eating- can feel a little tricky. Often in recovery we hear multiple voices in our heads. When using opposite action, you first must determine which voice is your wise self, and which is the eating disorder. Then act in opposite of the ed voice’s commands. In my above example, the eating disorder commanded me to ignore my hunger and go to sleep. My wise self understood this would be harmful to my relationship with my body. And that I would likely wake up in the middle of the night even hungrier. But the ed voice wanted me to take the easy way out. To ignore my hunger and go to bed. Many times opposite action means EATING when the disorder wants you to restrict. By opening up the cabinet, finding the most filling and satisfying snack I could, and allowing myself to eat it before bed I accomplished many things. I challenged the food rules that kept me trapped in my disorder for years. More importantly, I nourished my body and met her needs for energy. And I reinforced that she can trust me to take care of her, improving my relationship with my body. Also, I made it more likely I’d get a good night’s sleep by going to bed satisfied and satiated. Perhaps the greatest benefit of practicing opposite action is by listening to my wise voice, the ed voice lost a little bit of strength. Opposite Action with Exercise and Rest The tool of choosing opposite action can be used across many other areas of recovery in addition to eating. Take exercise and rest as another example. When I feel anxiety building up in my body because I haven’t worked out “enough” the eating disorder tells me I must go for a run. Opposite action means I choose a different activity that is more sedentary. Maybe I read a book instead, call a friend, turn on the TV, or pull out my journal. When the eating disorder screams at me to move my body more, opposite action means sitting still, in the discomfort. Trusting it will pass and I will be okay. Or perhaps the eating disorder tells me I must not rest, even if I have an injury or am overcoming an illness. Opposite action means finding the most comfortable blanket to cuddle up with on the couch and relaxing with a book or my favorite Netflix show. It means allowing my body the rest it needs even when the eating disorder is screaming at me to keep going. Putting It Into Action Opposite action seems simple, right? And it makes sense. So what’s the catch? Well, there is no catch. In theory it makes sense and IS simple. The hard part is putting it into action. Catching yourself when you’re considering following ED’s demands and implementing this tool is they key. Reading about it and understanding it will only get you so far. You can’t learn to ride a bike by simply reading about how to do it. It takes practicing over and over. Facing the fear of falling, and even getting some skinned knees. But with persistence, practice, and patience, you can learn to ride a bike by doing it. The very same thing is true for practicing opposite action. And like learning to ride a bike, this practice also becomes easier over time. So the next time your eating disorder yells at you to restrict- choose the most delicious thing you can to eat. When you hear the whisper to keep working out an extra XX minutes, stop and allow yourself to rest. If the eating disorder tells you to isolate because no one really cares about you, pick up the phone and reach out to a friend. And when your ED lies that you’re not good enough to go for a dream, dive into it anyway. Whatever the eating disorder commands you to do, choose the exact opposite action. Even when it feels uncomfortable and scary. Because THIS is the way towards recovery and healing. To read more from Lisette and learn about opportunities to work with her in private coaching please visit her website here, or follow her on instagram here.