The Day I Felt the Eating Disorder Die

Honestly, I never thought it would be this dang hard. I looked forward to the moment I was ready to speak it all out since the day it hit me that I had an eating disorder. I don’t like living with anything alone, and this was no exception.

Speaking up about an eating disorder is hard

I wanted to tell my closest friends and mentors for months. So they could be there for me in recovery. I thought I was ready when the time came to speak. In some odd way, I realized I wasn’t.

Every doubt and fear came tumbling through me. Feeling paralyzed, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t say those five simple, yet harrowing words,

I have an eating disorder.

Needing support

I thought they would be bouncing off my tongue as I was so ready to not do it by myself anymore. Knowing I needed their support almost as much as I needed air to breathe. Wanting them to pull me up from the depths of the sea I was drowning in.

But as I tried to open my lips, the eating disorder yanked them shut and nailed it tight. Ed had control of my mind, body, and I guess, my tongue. Why wouldn’t my lips open? Trying countless times yet the words just wouldn’t come. This left me believing I was even more broken than I had previously assumed.

Trapped by the eating disorder

All night I tried, and it just wasn’t happening. We said goodnight and I went to my room. I tossed and turned all night long in the dark, shadow-filled, space. Ed was taunting me and filling my head with lies.

Every part of me wanted to say those five words to one of the people I trust most in this life. However, there was one tiny ounce who didn’t want me to reach out, and he had control.

He didn’t want me to put him in the spotlight because the ED thrives in the dark. The disorder didn’t want to be called out or risk getting his cover blown. He knew that me speaking truth and letting light in would slowly start to kill him.