The Ultimate Christmas Gift That Money Can’t Buy

Really, all I truly want is ONE thing. It’s not a million dollars. It’s not diamonds. And it’s not sold in stores – even Amazon doesn’t have it, I checked. It’s something I’ve had before, but it’s been so long ago that I can’t even remember what it was like (um, get your minds out of the gutter – although, it’s been a while on that front too…). I do, however; know that it’s something that I want again. I’m pretty sure it was that good.

What I’d really like this year, unfortunately; is not something that anyone on earth can give to me – not even Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg or Warren Buffet. All the money in the world can’t buy it. All I really want this year is one day without an eating disorder – even a couple of hours would be acceptable if that’s all that’s available.

What I really want is just:

One day when food and exercise aren’t the first and last things that I think about.

One day that I can do what I want to do without thinking about what I will eat, if/when I will exercise, and what people are thinking about my eating or how I look.

One day that I can eat pizza and ice cream and not have it haunt my mind or plague me with guilt for the next 24-48 hours.

One day that if I don’t feel like exercising it’s okay, and I don’t have to feel guilty if I choose not to. A day when I can sit on the couch and watch Netflix without guilt and on that same day, eat pizza and ice cream – or whatever the hell else I feel like eating.

One day in which the voice of the eating disorder is silent. A day when I am good enough and no one and nothing in my mind tells me otherwise.

One day that it’s okay to just be ME and not feel like I am letting anyone down for doing it.

One day when I can look in the mirror, smile and be okay with what’s looking back at me outside and inside.

One day when I can sit down with my family and not feel like I have disappointed and hurt them.

One day when I can go to bed without already thinking about how I failed or about the next day’s plan to do better.

All I am asking for is one day where I can really breathe. A day without anxiety.  A day without the mental and emotional pain that never goes away – regardless of how much I weigh or how ‘healthy’ I look on the outside.

Sure, there are days that are good – really good, but the eating disorder is always in the background. Always. Without fail – it shows up. The uninvited party crasher – and to put it simply, I’m fed up with it.

I’m tired and I’m done. Done letting it win, done letting it control my mind, my body, my life. I’m choosing to fight back, to scream back, to take my life back – one day, one second at a time.

I know not everyone reading this struggles with food and/or exercise issues but let’s be honest – every one of us struggles with something. Something that takes us away from living and from being our best selves. Whatever your ‘thing’ is – choose to not let it own you for one day.

I truly believe we’ll all get our “one day”.

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  1. says: Ali

    This article resonates so deeply. I had this same wish for so long but I never thought I was worth enough to get my “one day.” So much has happened in the last year. I worked harder than I ever thought I could but I got my one day. Thank you for sharing.

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