This afternoon, I was watching my four-year-old cousin. It was time for her lunch and her mom had told me what she liked. A ham sandwich with cheese and mayo. We went into the kitchen together. She watched me with great curiosity as I got out the sandwich supplies. Little did I know, I was about to get a lesson on the word more.
I placed two slices of white bread on the plate. “Alright, what goes first?” I asked. She analyzed the ingredients I had. Then she tilted her head to the side and exclaimed, “The mayo!”
With a laugh, I put some mayo on the bread. I spread a thin layer across the slices. Before I put the mayo away, I asked her, “Is that enough?”
It didn’t even take her a second to respond. “No! More mayo!”
“Okay,” I said. Then I squirted a little more mayo on each of the slices of bread. She smiled, then encouraged, “Yeah! Now, mayo it up!” With a laugh, I started to spread the mayo.
“How’s that?” I asked.
She shook her head. “More mayo!” she exclaimed. It caught me off guard how she wanted even more.
There’s the word more again
“Are you sure you want more?” I asked.
She eagerly nodded. “More! More! More!” So I put more mayo on the sandwich. She smiled widely at the mayo-covered bread. I spread the mayo all over it, creating a thick layer.
“Okay. How’s that?” She cheered, “Perfect!”
Then she had me proceed with putting the cheese and ham on the bread. I sat down with her and watched as she took a bite into the center of the sandwich. She did a little dance as she chomped down on it.
“How is it?” I asked.
“Delicious!” she answered with her mouth partially full.
A time of freedom
When she asked for more mayo it reminded me of my own childhood. A time when I wasn’t concerned with food. When I didn’t think twice about asking for more. Like my little cousin, I’d ask for more just because I wanted it. Plus, it tasted delicious, so why not go for more? So how sad is it now that I feel I can’t have more food. All because of my eating disorder.
When I catch myself in these restrictive thoughts, I’ll think back to this moment. The one where my little cousin cheered for more. And how having more made her so happy. My fellow warriors, we can do this. We deserve food. We deserve happiness.